Missing You.

Why is it that the holidays make you miss people who are no longer here?  There are several people that I miss right now (in no particular order).

1) My mother-in-law, Chris.  She was always full of loving wisdom and there have been times in this past month that I wish I could gain knowledge from her.

2) My grandma.  She was a woman that lovingly disciplined me and helped make me into who I am today. I often miss her and wish I could share nursing stories with her, ask her advice on parenting, introduce her to my husband, and just see her hold my son.

3) My grandpa.  I want him to try the cookies and fudge that I make from his recipes and get his sweet smile of approval.  He was a man of very few words, but his kindness always shined through his eyes.

4) My father-in-law, Gary.  I wish he could be here to see what his son is doing with River Park Grace.  He would be proud.

5) My uncle Jeff.  I would love to have him meet Jude and have him take Jude on boat rides at the lake and make his famous Tony's breadsticks.

6) Elliott.  I often wonder what he would look like, what his personality would be like, and how much fun Jude would have with an older sibling.

Although I greatly miss these people, I am thankful for the time that I did have with each one of them.  Sometimes I like to just sit and reflect on the memories I have of them.  Sometimes those memories bring tears and sometimes they bring a smile.  As I rocked Jude to sleep today I told him stories of his family members he will never meet and I hope to continue to do this until he feels like he knew them too.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

I have come to my blog repeatedly over the past week to write something and I just can't seem to find the words.  There is a lot on my heart in regards to some sensitive issues in my life and I just can't find the appropriate words to express them.  But I'm thankful that I don't need words for my God to understand my heart.  He knows my thoughts and prayers.  He knows my desires.  And for that I am thankful.

On a different note, Christmas is upon us.  What a wonderful time of year.  The lights on trees, sweet treats made for friends, presents bought for family.  I love it all, but what I love even more is that we get to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  How amazing that He came to this earth purely to die for our sins, in order to give us life!  Ashley and I have been talking about traditions we want to start now that we have our own family and many of them center around the modern day celebration of Christmas, such as making cookies, cutting down a Christmas tree, etc.  But we have also noted that we want to be intentional about teaching Jude the real reason we even have the chance to celebrate Christmas.  We want to read about the birth of Jesus prior to opening gifts on Christmas morning and we want to be intentional about giving back to someone in need during the holidays.  My prayer is that as we make these traditions part of our family that we will also be able to instill a love for Christ in Jude as he grows older.

Below is Jude with his first Christmas tree and stocking made by his grandma.  This is the first year in my entire life that I haven't had a real tree, but with Jude on the move we decided we better be safe and put up a small fake tree instead.  So I guess that means one more evergreen tree gets to live a year longer...

With Blessings Come Tears of Joy

My little boy turns 6 months old tomorrow.  Just thinking about it makes me cry.  I don't want him to grow up.  Although I know there are great things ahead for him, I just want to freeze this time forever.  Another big milestone is happening tomorrow too.  We are having our first service in our new church tomorrow evening.  As our team was mopping the floors, scrubbing the toilets, and doing sound checks, I was almost brought to tears out of joy for what is ahead for River Park Grace.  We have been incredibly blessed by acquiring a building that is paid off and we have a team that is absolutely amazing.  So with that being said, I have a feeling that tomorrow may be a somewhat emotional day for me.  But it's only going to be emotional because of the incredible blessings in my life; both Jude and River Park Grace.

What I'm Thankful For

It's kind of sad that the spirit of thankfulness is usually only at the forefront of my mind when November approaches and Thanksgiving is around the corner.  I have a lot to be thankful for all year, but I often forget to recognize my many blessings. With that being said, I'm going to write a list of many reasons I'm thankful this year.

I'm thankful that through painful experiences in my life, I have been able to see the joy in them through time and with God's mercy.

I'm thankful for the ability to wake up every day and kiss my son good morning.

I'm thankful for a husband that loves me unconditionally.

I'm thankful to have a husband that I can love unconditionally.

I'm thankful for friends who laugh with me and cry with me.

I'm thankful for the journey God is taking our family and the River Park Grace team on.

I'm thankful for the ability to love God freely.


Wow, I could keep going and I'm also so undeserving.  My prayer is that as Thanksgiving comes and goes, I continue to remember the many reasons I am thankful and to not get caught up in being disappointed by what I think I deserve.

A "Normal" Schedule

Just a quick update on my life:  I am moving to day shift at the hospital!  It was a tough decision, but I am so ready to sleep normally.  When I applied for the job and got it I cried because I am going to miss all my wonderful co-workers on night shift, but as I was driving to work that evening (after not getting much sleep), I felt a huge weight off my shoulders knowing I wouldn't have to work nights much longer.  My patience with Jude is tested every time I work several nights in a row because I am so tired and I'm looking forward to functioning on a normal schedule now.  There are a few drawbacks to day shift.  The main one being that I will be working every 3rd Sunday for 12 hours.  With the beginning of our church plant and knowing how important it is for Ashley and I, this will be hard, but we will manage.  Also, I will be away from Jude for 12 hours while he is awake.  To be honest, I dread this, but I'm hoping my days off will be much more fulfilling for both of us since I won't be so tired.  So I should begin day shift in the next month or so and I'm looking forward to it!

Rolling and Running...

Jude is approaching 5 months here in the next week.  I can't believe it!  He is changing and growing every day and I love playing with him because he is so interactive.  He started rolling over a week after he turned 4 months old and he loves it.  We had to quit swaddling him at night because we were finding him on his stomach with his arms tied down to his sides.  We figured this wasn't the safest thing!  He was an excellent sleeper at night, now I would say he is just a good sleeper.  We took a few setbacks when we stopped swaddling him, but he is doing better now.  The only issue is that I feel like when I'm working his schedule gets all screwed up and then it takes a few days to get it back to normal and then I go back to work.  Oh well, such is life I guess.  Jude also sat up for about 30 seconds by himself the other day.  More times than not he is still a little top heavy and he tips over, but he is getting so close to doing it by himself all the time.

Jude and I have also been loving this summer-like weather too.  Now that he is big enough we have been using the jogging stroller and running at the Riverwalk.  I LOVE it and Jude doesn't seem to mind too much either.  It is a little more work to push a stroller when running, but I like to have a distraction and someone to run with and its a better workout to push something!

Below is a favorite picture of mine from a recent fun in the backyard moment:

4 Months Old

Happy 4 Months to my sweet little Jude.  When I woke up this morning around 6:30, I couldn't help but reminisce about the intense emotions I felt 4 months ago at that time.  Jude had been born about 4 hours before that and I was experiencing a love I had never experienced before.  It was an unconditional, pure love.  Every other type of love that I had experienced up until that point was formed and thought about, whereas my love for Jude was instant, strong, and hard to explain unless you have experienced it yourself.  It makes me reflect on our Father's love for us because He too loves us unconditionally and I think at that moment when I first held Jude I finally fully grasped how blessed I am to have my Savior's love without having to earn it.  No matter what Jude does or doesn't do, I will still love him and I am thankful that is the promise that our God has for us too.

Jude is getting so big and is really coming into his own.  He smiles and giggles all the time, especially when Ashley is playing with him.  He does this funny inhaling laugh thing and it is really cute.  He also sleeps like a champ, which I am so thankful for.  He usually sleeps 8 to 9 hours every night and then takes at least 2 naps during the day that are at least 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  I think he is going through a growth spurt now because last week he ate all the time and now today he has been sleeping for over 2 1/2 hours for his morning nap after sleeping 9 hours last night.  Jude also has a few nicknames, either Baby Jude or Mr. Jude.  They are cute little nicknames and I love hearing them both when people call him by those names.

Ashley and I are getting into more of a routine with life and work and having a baby.  It really is great.  Ashley summed everything up perfectly yesterday.  He said once you have something you care about so much in the world, like Jude, all the trivial small things don't matter any more.  How true!

Here is a recent picture of him.  Despite the fact that ND is 0-2, Jude is still their littlest big fan

The loss of another baby

It is with a heavy heart that I post again this morning about another friend of mine who has lost her baby.  He was full-term and no complications were noticed during pregnancy or childbirth.  However, it appears that afterwards he sustained severe brain damage from lack of oxygen during the delivery.  After a week of being in the NICU, his parents have decided to let him go home to be with the Lord.  I can't grasp the pain they are experiencing right now.  Why wouldn't God heal this little boy?  Many people are asking this right now, and so am I.  But after some prayer this morning it was laid on my heart that maybe his short amount of time on this earth will be used for a greater purpose than any of us can imagine.  His parents plan to donate his organs, and in return bless many families who may have thought their child would die too.  Maybe hearing his story will bring others to rely on the Lord and in some time we will all look back and see God's hand in this terrible situation.

I really am at a loss for words as I witness the pain and sorrow both of my friends are experiencing right now.  Our God is present even though we can't see the bigger picture right now.  As I held Jude this morning I couldn't help but be moved to tears out of thankfulness for his blessing in my life.  I also question why I have been blessed with him when I am so undeserving.  My friends both have such amazing hearts and loving spirits that I can't help but think they would be better mom's than I.  I pray that someday the desires of my friend's hearts are granted, just as mine was with becoming a mother to Jude.

Heartache

Today I was reminded of the heartache I experienced when losing Elliott a year and a half ago.  A dear friend of mine was to become a mother today through adoption, but instead the birth mom chose to keep the baby.  I can't fathom the roller coaster of emotions she felt finding out they would have a child and then realizing that they wouldn't.  I cried for them today and wished that I could take their pain away.  No one should be robbed of their chance to be a mother, whether it is through infertility, miscarriage, or a failed adoption.

I can't help but question why God didn't answer my friend's prayer to become a mom.  Her and her husband have the sweetest, most gentle spirits I know and they deserve to be parents more than most of us.  I know there were so many of us who prayed so earnestly to God for Him to grant the desire of their hearts, so why did this happen?  Ashley reminded me that this is a fallen world and when we live in this fallen world there will always be heartache and pain.  However, knowing this doesn't make it any easier.  I want to take her hurt away.  I want to carry the burden for her, or at least with her through the dark days ahead.

It was in the darkest of days after losing Elliott that it didn't seem that there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel, but eventually Ashley and I came through the many heartaches we experienced.  And we realized that God was the same through both the painful and joyful times.  My prayer is that I can be a small sliver of comfort for my friend who lost her chance to be a mother and hopefully share in times of joy very soon when the desire of her heart is given to her as a little blessing.

I know that many of you don't know my friend, but please pray for comfort for her and her husband right now.  Though this child was never theirs, they loved the little baby like their own and so the loss is the same as if it was their own child.

A Different Kind of Church

Church.  There is a lot packed into that one word.  Depending on your background and your experiences, the word church can either have positive or negative connotations.  Some people go to church for social status reasons, some people avoid church because of perceived hypocrisy.  Some people go to church and while at church they gossip and slander inside the very building where others are worshipping God.  Church is a messy, complicated, wonderful thing.  Unfortunately, I don't think the modern day church is what God intended for church to be and that is why Ashley and I are striving to begin a church that has a different focus and different value system then most.

River Park Grace.  That is our church's name.  We are a church plant branched off of our home church, Harris Prairie Church of Christ.  No, Harris Prairie isn't going through a split, and yes, the elders and our senior pastor Larry have given us their blessing to begin this church.  As you can tell in the name, our church plant will be located in River Park in South Bend.  But that isn't the important part of the name.  The important part is the third word, Grace.  That is our mission, to share grace with all those we encounter.  But to unpack that a bit more, we aren't going to be about the Sunday morning worship experience.  We aren't going to except people to show up on Sunday, get their weekly dose of God and leave.  We are going to be community focused, striving to better the River Park neighborhood by offering Celebrate Recovery meetings, a coffee shop where people can see familiar, loving faces, a safe haven for women and children, etc.  But most importantly we want to offer God's grace to everyone who walks through our doors or who encounters us on the street.

Our desire is to focus on Communion Families, which are a different type of small group that will meet weekly and break bread and drink juice together to remember what Jesus did with his disciples in the New Testament.  We will still have a weekly worship gathering, but our goal is to form meaningful, loving "families" outside of church that can meet the needs of those in their neighborhood and in their "family".  We are striving to be service focused and in turn share God's love with those who need it most.

This is an exciting, yet scary endeavor for me.  It is awesome to see how Ashley is following his dreams and how passionate he is about carrying out his plan.  It is also amazing how God's hand has been at work already in this process.  He has brought together 17+ adults who have an amazing heart for Him and His work to be a part of the launch team and every time we approach an issue with finances, or legal matters, we can see His hand guiding us in the right direction.  The scary part for me is my insecurities of our future.  With a family now, it is scary to know that our income is going to be based on us being servants to a rather poor neighborhood.  However, I fully trust God will provide as we do the work we feel called to do.  It is like doing a mission's trip in our own backyard, and for that I am excited!

So, that is River Park Grace in a nutshell.  Ashley probably does a lot better job explaining it, so you should check out his blog for a better synopsis.  I don't know how to add a link on here, so you can copy and paste his website if you want to read his blog...sorry!

http://ashleyswanson.wordpress.com/

Oh, and we have our first big event this Sunday.  We are doing a block party for the neighborhood with a water balloon fight, music, food, etc.  It should be fun and our goal is to show people that River Park Grace is a group of people who love the residents of River Park because God loves them too!

Work and College

Well I survived work.  Jude on the other hand doesn't care for me being gone...which makes me feel good and bad at the same time.  I worked two 12-hour shifts in a row this past week and that was tough.  Jude screamed a decent amount for Ashley because he likes to comfort nurse in the evenings and I wasn't there for him do that.  It broke my heart knowing he was missing me so much, but it was nice to know he wanted me.  I then woke up about every 3 hours and fed him during the day when I was home and then I went back to work for another 12 hours.  To be honest, this is a lot.  I miss my little guy, but I am extremely tired too.  I had read a book that said going back to work is like the first few weeks after you have your baby and I totally believe it!  Except, now I'm not getting the meals made for me or my house cleaned by my family.

Today I skipped church, which I hate doing, but with working so much and then spending all day yesterday moving Sean into college, going to a wedding and spending time with family, I just haven't had time for Jude.  He hasn't nursed well in the last 3 days and has been extra cranky.  So today I am just hanging out with him, cuddling, rocking him to sleep, and playing with him.  So far it has been wonderful.  Now that he is napping I thought I would clean and update my blog quickly :)

Yesterday we took Sean to college...he didn't go far, just across the street to Bethel, but nonetheless, he is a college student now.  I know he is going to thrive in this atmosphere and he can finally be on a somewhat equal playing field because no one has their parents to rely on in college.  It seems like he has great roommates and hopefully he enjoys all his classes.  It was funny to hear all the parents talk about how hard of day it was to say goodbye to their kids and how difficult of an adjustment it would be, whereas Ashley and I were thinking about how great of an experience this is going to be for Sean and how happy for him we are that he gets to be surrounded by a loving atmosphere of professors and students on a campus that will hopefully form him into a wonderful man.  I am thankful for the year we spent with Sean and hopefully we helped teach him some values that he can carry on into his future development into adulthood, but I am also thankful that it was just a year.  This isn't to say anything against Sean, it is just to say that I often felt inadequate as a mother figure for Sean and now he is growing up where he doesn't need to rely on Ashley and I as much.  In 18 years I may change my thought on this when Jude goes to college and I may WANT him to continue to rely on his mom.

Well, off to clean and do some laundry while Jude is napping.  I plan to update about our church plant endeavor next time!

Maternity Leave has Ended

I was supposed to go back to work tonight and I was doing ok all day until about a 1/2 hour before Ashley got home from work and I just started crying.  Sometimes it seems so silly to me to care so much because I am only going to be working two 12-hour shifts a week (yes, I did end up cutting back a little after my last post), but I didn't realize how in love and connected I could be to such a little guy.  I always just kind of blew it off when I heard about other people dreading going back to work after having a baby, but now I totally understand.  However, the good thing is, I got released tonight so I don't go back for another 2 days!  Now on Friday I will know there is no chance of me being released and the dreaded day will not be skirted again.

These past 3 months have been the most rewarding, amazing months of my life.  I wouldn't trade them for a thing.  I asked Ashley what I did in the past 3 months because they seemed to have flown by and he put it perfectly.  He said, "You spent every moment possible with Jude".  And for that I am thankful.

Jude has been doing some great things lately.  He has started rolling over from front to back, he sleeps usually 8 to 9 hours every night, he giggles at his dad's silly faces, and he loves when I read him books.  It is fun to watch how he takes in new things every day and how he just loves life.

Here is a recent picture of him.  Doesn't his smile just put one on your face?  I feel so blessed.

Back to work?

Jude is 2 months old.  It is crazy how fast time flies.  In the past 2 months I have learned a lot about Jude and myself.  I have learned how to read Jude's different cries and respond to them appropriately (most of the time), I have learned how to multi-task better than I ever thought possible, and I've learned that my love for him is stronger than I could have imagined prior to giving birth.  As I approach the time that I have to go back to work, I can't help but think about how hard it is going to be to leave Jude.  I really don't want to and I tear up every time I think about it.  I often wish that I was good at doing crafty things so I could work from home, but I am not, so that option is out.  I enjoy my job, but I don't love it.  I have to weigh the options of living comfortably while working, or sacrificing money so I can stay home with Jude more and this decision it is just so hard!

The other difficult thing in this decision is that Ashley and I are embarking on a new journey with planting a church in River Park.  (see his blog for more details at http://ashleyswanson.wordpress.com/).  I am very excited about this, but this definitely adds some fear of the unknown.  Us embarking on this journey means we are giving everything up to God, including our income.

So essentially I don't know exactly what I plan to do in regards to work.  I know I will always continue to work, but how much is the question.  I have to make my decision soon because I go back to work in less than a month!  I am thankful I even have the option to work less, mainly because I just love Jude so much and I don't want to miss time away from him or any of my future children.  So if anyone knows someone that wants to just give me money so I can stay home, that would fix all my problems! =)

We Did It...

As I sit here and slowly type one-handed because I am feeding Jude, I can finally say "we did it".  Sean's graduation party was a success and everyone is currently cleaning up the mess.  Ashley and I have completed what we set out to do slightly over a year ago; we got Sean through high school and threw him a graduation party.  Now I can officially relax because the party is no longer looming over my head and I can solely focus on caring for Jude and attempt to get him on some sort of schedule.  I'm not going to lie, this was a lot for me to do.  I'm tired and I don't wish it on anyone to care for a newborn and throw a graduation party at the same time.  But I definitely couldn't have done it without all my family's help.  The Meyer and Swanson clans were stellar.  So congrats to Sean and thank you to everyone else.  We are done and now I have 8 weeks to enjoy my maternity leave...ahhh!!!!

Before the Morning

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson was playing on the radio today and it reminded me of the intense emotions of anger, sadness and unbelief that we were feeling a year ago.  (We chose to play this song at my mother-in-law's funeral alongside pictures depicting her life.)  Tomorrow marks the day that her sons had to say goodbye, but the journey to that point was a two week process of multiple surgeries and many sleepless nights, hoping and praying she would rebound out of what started as a surgery to make her cancer-free.

It is amazing to me how far God has taken us in this past year and Ashley and I just feel like the timing of Jude's birth was God redeeming the entire situation and re-confirming that He has always been by our side, especially in the past few years.  Jude was born, exactly a year after the last time we talked to my mother-in-law.  I still vividly remember praying with her and Ashley right before they wheeled her out of the pre-op room into surgery.  I also just happened to put in a pair of her earrings prior to going to work the night I went into labor.  These subtle things were just small ways that Ashley and I could feel the presence of God when Jude was born.  The reality that my in-laws are not here anymore hit Ashley and I in a very deep way the night Jude was born because after calling my family and sharing the great news, Ashley didn't have his parents to call.  The void was so present in the room that we both cried, but at the same time we could feel God wrapping His arms around us by providing us with a healthy baby boy that would bring immense joy to us a year after we felt such deep heartbreak.

It is hard to imagine life any different that what it has been this past year, but within a year we went from a family of two, to a family of four.  We have a newborn and a soon to be high school graduate.  I wish my mother-in-law was here to rejoice in both these special occasions; Jude's birth and Sean's graduation, because she would be so proud.  But God had bigger plans for all of us and to look back at the journey He has walked us through this past year I realize that I am a better mom because of the heartache I have experienced.  But don't get me wrong, I wish things had been different.  I wish that my mother-in-law could hold Jude and I wish she could see her son be a wonderful dad and I wish she could watch her youngest walk across the stage and receive his diploma with academic honors from high school.  But the lyrics to the song "Before the Morning" captures the promise of the joy that is coming with the Lord and for that I am thankful.

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson


Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning

Richly Blessed

Today was the day I had been looking forward to for months.  It was my official due date, but man am I thankful that Jude came early.  I can't imagine life now without him.  I am exhausted, emotional and totally in love.  I spend hours of my day just staring at Jude and my normal attitude of getting things done and having the house in order has gone out the window.  I just want to hold Jude all the time.  These 9 days have been amazing, but I know I wouldn't be functioning if it weren't for my husband and mom.  They have let me sleep, cleaned the house, done laundry, gone grocery shopping, and changed diapers.  Both my mom and Ashley have been more than my heros this past week.  Ashley has let me cry tears of joy and tears of exhaustion while never once complaining.  We have had some fun excursions to the park, walking around the neighborhood and even going to Jude's first Relay for Life walk yesterday.  Things really couldn't be much better.  Jude is the perfect little baby and I just feel so blessed.  Ashley and I have had a rough couple of years with so much loss in our family, but we just feel God's redeeming love reigning over us right now and it brings tears to my eyes when I think of how thankful I am for the journey God has taken us on.  We are so undeserving of this little blessing and I just pray that I never take it for granted how richly God has blessed our little family with bringing Jude into our lives.

Here are just a few pictures of little Jude

So in Love

As I sit here and type I am currently holding the most precious miracle in my arms.  Jude Elliott Swanson was born on May 13, 2011 at 2:12am, weighing 7lbs 15oz and measuring in at 21 1/2 inches.  He is absolutely perfect in my eyes.  I never thought it would be possible to love someone so much, so quickly.  He has a head full of dark hair and chubby cheeks, which he takes after me as a newborn.  But the best thing is his disposition, he is so content with life and I am sure he got that from his daddy. 

As a quick update on the labor (minus the gory details), I was at work and contracting a little bit stronger than I had over the past month, but I was still taking care of my patients and walking around laughing.  They felt a little different then what I had been experiencing before, but I was also on my feet and busy and it had been normal for me to contract like that at work the weeks prior.  But at about 11:30pm my charge nurse convinced me to go to triage and get checked.  I walked over there and at about midnight they checked me and I was at 3cm, but the nurse thought I seemed comfortable enough that the doctor may send me home.  However, the doctor decided to admit me, which was a very good thing.  Things progressed quickly and by 2:12am I delivered Jude with no epidural or any other type of pain medicine.  I didn't do that to be a hero, but it was simply that he wanted to come quickly and there was no time to even think about it.  The doctor barely made it to the delivery, which I think freaked Ashley out quite a bit, but all was well and we have a beautiful boy because of it. 

So I will post pictures at a later time.  But thanks to everyone for the prayers and love as I have shared my journey on this blog.  Jude is one lucky guy to have so many people love him so much.

Thank you Lord for your amazing grace and love as You have carried us through this pregnancy and may You continue to surround us with Your love as we try to raise Jude in a God-fearing manner.

Almost a "mom" x 3

Mother's Day-A day to honor, thank and love your mom.

It was this holiday last year that was so difficult because I should have been carrying a baby and been almost a "mom" to my first child.  Thankfully I had a wonderful husband and sisters that remembered to write me kind cards and validate my feelings of being a mom to a child that never actually lived on this earth.  My eyes were opened last year to how many other women privately ache to be recognized as a mother but aren't due to similar circumstances of either miscarriages or infertility.  The empty void you feel when flowers are passed out at church to all the mothers and you aren't handed one is a feeling that no one understands unless they have been down that road.

Now we come around to a year later and I have been almost a "mom" another time.  The second one is with Sean.  I'm not a mom to him, but for the past year I have had to try to be motherly.  To be quite honest, I fail at this most days.  Sometimes I think of myself as that annoying step-mom that the child hates.  I am sure this isn't true, but I also don't replace the wonderful mom Sean had a year ago.  It is this second chance at being a "mom" for me that makes me realize and appreciate all the mother's out there that have adopted children, who are foster parents, or step-mothers.  I don't think they always get the recognition and appreciation they deserve for sacrificing so much for someone not related by blood.  There is a certain element of self-sacrifice that must occur in order to love someone unconditionally that you didn't bring into this world yourself.

And now I wait to be a "mom" for the third time.  Ashley says I am already a mother because I have carried Jude for 9 months, but to be honest, I don't and probably won't feel like a mother until I actually hold him in my arms.  I was kind of hoping that Jude would come two weeks early (partly b/c I am so uncomfortable) so I could actually feel like a mom on Mother's Day and so to the "world" I could be selfishly recognized as a mom.  

So Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there.  The mom's that have lost children, the mom's who have adopted/fostered children, the mom's that are pregnant, and the mom's that may never be recognized on this special holiday.

I also want to recognize my own mom.  Above is a picture of us a few years ago.  She is wonderful and as I think about Ashley and Sean who can't celebrate their mom this year, I am overwhelmingly thankful that my mother is still here.  I won't get to see her on Mother's Day this year, but I love her all the same.  She nurtured me, directed me, loved me, and sacrificed her own life for mine, and for that I am forever indebted.  She is almost a grandma now and with that I know she will give her love to Jude just as much as she did to me.  I can't wait to see her thrive in her element of caring once he gets here.  If only I could just half-way be a mom like her, then maybe I will be doing something right.  I love you mom.

Update in Pictures

Ashley and I finally got around to getting a little in-ground stone for where we buried Elliott.  Up until this point we were just putting flowers there and as they died we continued to put fresh ones on top.  I found this stone online and just loved it.  It is flush with the ground and doesn't make a huge statement in our yard, but if you are looking for it you will see it and it just helps give some closure to everything.  Also, we planted a tree in memory of Elliott last year and it is blooming!  I was so afraid it would die, but it is looking pretty good so far and that makes me very happy.  Below are some pictures of both of these things:

The daffodils my mom brought from her house over Easter and put them here.

And here is another photo of me today at 37 weeks.  I realize I wore this shirt the last time I took a picture...oops!  But then again, I am running out of options that fit me now-a-days.

Preparing for the Big Day

Ashley and I went to an all-day childbirth class today.  Since I work in the postpartum department I wanted to go so Ashley could learn what to expect, but it was nice to be refreshed on stuff from what I learned in school and to also just learn different ways to cope with the pain.  I am not too scared about the whole process because I am just so ready for Jude to be here.  I know the pain will probably be more intense and longer than when I miscarried, but I did experience a lot of the sensations they talked about when I lost Elliott, which hopefully will be an advantage.

There was one point in the class when we were practicing breathing techniques that I started laughing so hard I was crying.  I think Ashley was embarrassed, but thankfully the lights were dim and we were all spread out among the room.  However, the nurse did say that some people laugh their babies out, so maybe I will be one of those people =)  Ashley is afraid he will pass out, so if that happens it would probably give me enough to laugh about and distract me from the real pain I am experiencing.

But with that being said, I am just so thankful that we are to this point in my pregnancy that I can even care about the whole process of giving birth to Jude.  I didn't think this was going to be possible a year ago and I just feel so blessed to be given the chance to bring a child of mine into this world.  We talked about so many techniques and options to use during labor today, but to be honest I don't really care how I have Jude because if I get the joy of holding, kissing, and loving on him I know that the joy I will be experiencing is something many woman don't get to have.  As I have continued this blog documenting my pregnancy I am very aware that some people who read this may still be struggling with infertility issues or recurrent miscarriages and I don't take that lightly.  My heart still breaks for anyone who is going through something like that because I know how I felt a year ago watching other women's bellies grow and have babies.  It is hard and it's not fair.  Just the other day Ashley was recounting a conversation he had with a friend about us losing Elliott and I immediately teared up just thinking about that experience a year ago.  It was at that moment that I realized the joy of having Jude still doesn't fully take away the pain of losing Elliott because he forever made an impact on my heart.

I am looking forward to the time in (+ or -) 5 weeks that I get to bring Jude into this world and I thank God for him every day.  I don't deserve this blessing and I don't take the responsibility of becoming a mother lightly.  Whether I have a non-medicated labor or a c-section as long as I can hold Jude in my arms, I will praise God for this miracle of life and for Him allowing me to be a mother to such a vulnerable child.  To be entrusted with this seems like a daunting task, but hopefully Ashley and I can some how love Jude like we know our Heavenly Father loves him.


On a lighter note, here is an updated picture of me at 35 weeks.  I am huge compared to my 32 week picture...ahhh!

Pictures of the Nursery

34 weeks!  I can't believe I have made it this far.  Jude is moving quite a bit and even making it difficult to breathe every so often.  I love watching my entire stomach move and become crooked when Jude is really having a good time.

Several posts ago I mentioned that my mom was making the bedding for our nursery.  Well it has been done for awhile, but we finally just got everything put together.  My mom is amazing, that's all I have to say.  Here are some pictures of our nursery.  We basically have everything put together especially due to the fact that I have been blessed by so many gifts from people who love us.  It has been overwhelming how generous people have been.

Changing table and dresser.  Note the frames above, my mom made these to match the blanket.

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The crib with the blanket my mom made and the matching bed skirt.  I tried my craftiness at making the Jude sign.

Glider chair from Ashley's mom's house and then the matching curtain valence my mom made.

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Bookshelf we bought and refinished for $5!  I can't wait to read to Jude...look at all those books!

Note Murphy in the crib.  I have removed him several times.  This could become an issue.

Here is a picture of me at 32 weeks.

Life is Precious

Today I was reminded of how precious life is.  4 teenage boys from my high school were killed in a car accident yesterday and I can't help but think how I would cope losing my son who was about ready to graduate from high school and had his whole future ahead of him.  It reminds me to not take for granted this little baby growing inside me and to love him every day because we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.  It is easy to get caught up in life and my mentality is usually very task oriented, so much so, that I don't want to forget to cherish Jude's first smile, or his wet kisses, or him waking me up throughout the night.  My heart breaks for the families of these boys, as I am sure many people's do.  I wish I could take some of the hurt and anger away from them, but I know our Lord Jesus Christ is the only one who can do this and my prayer is that somehow they can find comfort in Him.

And just as the title of my blog is "in joy and pain", the stark contrast of emotions happened today.  As my heart broke for the families from Angola because I know they were experiencing some of the worst pain in their life today, I again had the joy of celebrating the upcoming birth of baby Jude.  My church family poured out their love through showering us with many gifts today.  It was overwhelming.  I am thankful for a loving group of people who care so much for Ashley and I.  I honestly would have been happy just to have cupcakes and talk to people, but to be given so many gifts I just feel overwhelmed with gratitude.  Ashley and I honestly don't know where to put half the stuff (partly because we don't have our furniture yet), but also just because people gave us so much.  The great part of having such a loving church family isn't because of all the material things we received, but is the fact that I know Jude will be loved and supported and taken care of by a large group of fellow Christians and that I have a wonderful support system surrounding Ashley and I.

Hormonal Craziness

I'm not going to lie, this past week was not a good one for me (or probably anyone around me).  There were several factors playing into it being pretty crappy.  First of all, I came crashing down from a high of a great shower with my family into a situation that was very frustrating and unpreventable on my end (I won't go into details, but I'm working through this one).  I also came to the reality after receiving so much love from the shower last weekend that "this is real...Jude is going to be here in 10 short weeks".

I am thoroughly excited about this, but with the excitement comes grief.  I know that is weird, but let me explain.  Receiving gifts for Jude reminded me that I never had this chance with Elliott.  It also just brought back the reality that some people never get to experience being showered with love like this for their baby because for one reason or another they can't have kids.  When Ashley and I got home from my shower last weekend, I went directly outside to the backyard and cried over Elliott's tiny grave.  It was snowing and wet outside, but I didn't care.  Not until Ashley came and directed me back into the house did I even care to move.  As I walked back into the house I was faced with the overwhelming magnitude of presents that I don't feel like I deserve.  I slowly began to go through those gifts and just kept crying.  Honestly part of it was crazy pregnancy hormones, but part of it was just grief for all the people who have always desired to have a child and can't.  Being showered with gifts is a wonderful feeling and knowing your baby is going to be loved by all these people around you is amazing, but not everyone gets this chance.   As I think back to a year ago I am reminded of the grief and pain I felt thinking I would never get to this point with a little baby growing healthily inside of me, but I have been blessed mightily by God with little Jude and I don't want the clothes and toys and things to overshadow my sincere thankfulness for getting another chance at having a baby.  A major part of what I learned when I lost Elliott was that the "stuff" and consumerism of life was hindering my ability to love and care for people, so I don't want to let this happen now that I have started accumulating things for Jude.

In addition to the above reason putting a burden on my heart all week, I also acquired a stupid head cold that knocked me down.  I never used to get sick much, but I think with having a teenage boy live in my house (who gets sick ALLLL the time) I don't really have an option.  I get quite frustrated with this and my best efforts at disinfecting with Chlorox wipes and Lysol didn't prevent me from getting sick this time.  I know Sean tries, but he really isn't very good at not spreading his sickness to me.  All 3 of us were sick this week and the worst part is watching the boys take DayQuil and all the medicine I can't because I am pregnant. I also know that colds can't hurt Jude, but I hate the thought of something Sean bringing home affecting my ability to keep Jude healthy and carry him full term.  So with that, my patience was cut down to about nothing this week.

So...I did a crazy, maybe mean, but very necessary thing for me...I asked Ashley to see if his twin brother would take Sean for the weekend.  I honestly did this to save Sean, not myself.  If any of you have been pregnant I am hoping you understand the hormones I have been experiencing that sometimes make me crazy.  They really were surging this past week in addition to everything else, enough that I was afraid Sean would get inbetween the crossfire of my craziness.  I needed a break and I didn't want to be unfair to him where I began yelling at him for putting his shoes where I told him to put them or getting mad that he has to eat (like everyone else in this world), etc.  So after today Sean is coming back and I am ready.  I feel rejuvenated from some time well spent with close friends and my sisters and I am ready to try as hard as possible to be as hormonal-less (don't think that's a word) as possible until Jude gets here, for the sake of Sean and Ashley and everyone else I encounter on a weekly basis.

Through all of this, Ashley has been an amazing husband, brother and dad and I am thankful for his steadfastness or I really may not have survived my own craziness this past week.  I was dealing with grief, frustration, elation, sickness and hormones, but somehow Ashley continued to love me and care for me better than I deserve.  So here's to this coming week...may I be patient and loving and thankful for what life circumstances are thrown my way.

Random thought...can babies inside your womb sense your emotions?  If so, Jude must be awfully confused!

Blessed

My mom and both my sisters threw me an amazing baby shower yesterday.  I didn't deserve everything they did for me.  The food was amazing, the decorations were thoughtful and creative and the party was fun.  I was also just so taken back by all the amazing gifts everyone gave me for little Jude.  He is one blessed and loved little guy and no one has even met him yet!

Ashley and I in front of the cake

The adorable cake!

Me at 29 weeks

Me and a childhood friend

Friends and family eating lunch

Grandma Cindy who threw a great shower at her house

My mom and sisters.  They are amazing hosts and family.

My sisters-in-law and I.  They will be great aunts!

Family

Spring and Parenting

I love spring. It is my favorite season for many reasons.  I love the sunshine, the flowers coming up out of the previously frozen ground, and the calming rain that will eventually bring new life to the grass and trees.  I also love to open all the windows in our house and let the fresh air drive out the staleness of winter.  With it being March 1st, I feel like spring is just around the corner, and I can't wait!

This year spring will also bring about a new beginning for Ashley and I.  We will get to welcome little Jude into this world and become parents to a newborn infant.  As excited as I am for this, I am also apprehensive about raising a child of my own.  Ashley and I don't want to just raise our children so they just survive in this world, but we want to raise them to love and serve the Lord.  Over the past 9 months I have had the privilege of experiencing firsthand how my mother-in-law and father-in-law made this their first priority with their sons.  Being married to Ashley, I knew he was raised in a manner different than most children; he has such a pure heart for God and is a better man than most.  However, I always assumed that part of what I saw in Ashley was due to maturity and age, but now that I have lived with Sean for 9 months I realize that my in-laws instilled values into all their children that most kids don't get.  I want to be a parent like that.  It is a scary task, but hopefully one that I can live up to with the help of Ashley and friends and family surrounding us.

The Name...

We started announcing our baby's name this week.  It is nice to be able to refer to him by his name, but it is just a weird thing to start telling people because I know everyone has an opinion, but they aren't going to tell me because they don't want to hurt my feelings if they don't like it.  But then again, I am pretty sure I don't want to hear it if someone doesn't like it.  =)  It was fun to tell my mom the name because she cried and laughed and was just so happy we told her.  But no matter what we would have named our little guy she would have loved it.

So to tell everyone who reads this blog (if there is anyone).  We are going to name our son Jude Elliott Swanson.  We decided to use the name Elliott as his middle name to honor our first baby and because we still loved the meaning of it, "the Lord is my God".  Jude was one of four first names we were considering and Ashley and I decided on Jude for several reasons, but the main one being that it means "praise" and we just feel like it is a very fitting meaning for this pregnancy.  We feel very blessed and thankful to have another chance at having a child and we don't want to forget to praise God for this little blessing.  As time continues to tick we realize 14 weeks really isn't that far away and Ashley and I can't wait to meet little Jude Elliott.

Moving Right Along

Well, I am 25 weeks.  Time sure is going by quickly.  It was so nice to hit the 24 week mark because that is when the doctors will do everything they can to save our baby if I were to go into preterm labor.  I go for another appointment on Monday and even though I can feel my little guy move, I always like the reassurance of hearing his heartbeat.  I was actually supposed to go last Wednesday for my appointment, but they cancelled it because of the snow.

Ashley started painting the nursery today.  It looks great and I love how motivated he is to paint for me.  We still have no furniture, but my mom did finish the curtains and bed skirt, so we are getting somewhere!  I also made my first clothing purchase today for our little guy.  It is the cutest little pair of swim trunks and shirt.  Since my family has a lake cottage we figured we would be up there quite a bit this summer and I just couldn't resist a good sale when buying his first outfit.

Our little guy also has a name now...nope I'm not going to share it on here quite yet.  Sorry!  We do plan on telling people before we have him, but we are just making sure we don't want to change our mind.  Ashley and I have fun referring to him by his name when no one is around, but family will know first and then after we share it personally I promise I will put it on here.

Here is a picture of me at 25 weeks for those who care.

Blessed be Your Name

The 20 days between my dreaded doctors appointment where we found out Elliott wasn't alive and when I actually miscarried were some of my lowest.  Many of the days were a blur, but things I do remember were my sisters driving from Indianapolis and Ft. Wayne to visit me, my friends planning girl time for me to get out of the house, and my church family making food for Ashley and I because they loved us so much.  Ashley and I spent many nights just crying, although Ashley was the stronger one of us two.  He would rub my feet, rent movies I wanted to watch and we also put together 2 large puzzles to pass the time.  I dreaded the days when I didn't have something planned and Ashley was at work because then I was alone, but at the same time I just wanted to be alone and cry.

I had to go back to work throughout those weeks and it was one of the most difficult things to do.  I work on the Mother/Baby floor at a local hospital and though my co-workers are great, the actual being around families celebrating the birth of their new baby was really hard.  But it wasn't just the happy situations that were hard to be around, it was the sad ones that truly affected me.  Most people assume that working on the Mother/Baby unit is always so joyful and fun, but contrary to their belief, it isn't.  We see underweight babies who scream all the time because their mom did drugs throughout her pregnancy, we see adoptive families walk away empty handed because the birth mom changed her mind, and we see wonderful families grieving the unexpected death of their newborn who had seemed so healthy throughout the mother's pregnancy.  These are all situations that broke my heart prior to losing Elliott, but when I was deep in my grief, these situations especially affected me.  However, through my own experience I believe I can care more sincerely than I had before.  I feel like now I can step past my nursing duties and be a person who deeply loves when someone needs me to.

So this Friday, January 28th, is the one year anniversary of actually losing Elliott.  It's weird because Ashley and I don't really know how to remember the day.  There is no guide book on walking through grief and remembering a baby, so just being together is our plan.  It is at this time that I can't help but think about what our little guy would have been doing, what he would have looked like, or how our life would be different.  But I also remind myself that I wouldn't be in the place I am now without losing Elliott.  I wouldn't be relying on God for every step of my life, I wouldn't be able to love like I do now, and I wouldn't be pregnant with another blessing of God's.  But don't get me wrong, this little guy I am pregnant with now will never replace our first.  Elliott will always be our first and January 28th will always be a day we remember and celebrate our first little miracle.

To be totally honest, this week has been very difficult for me.  I have been sleep deprived due to working night shift, my pregnancy hormones are crazy and the grief seems to creep up on me at unexpected times.  Last night I couldn't sleep and it was the first night in a week that I was going to be able to sleep all night without interruptions, but for about 3 hours I just laid awake and thought about the journey we have been on this past year.  I eventually cried myself to sleep reliving the experience of when I buried Elliott and this morning I woke up in a foggy state of mind due to crazy dreams that followed.  I just feel like I am in this battle between joy and grief and I don't know how to balance it.  I am grateful for my little blessing now and I often tell myself I shouldn't grieve for my baby I lost last year because I am incredibly blessed with another one, but I also don't want to downplay the impact Elliott made on my heart in the few months I carried him.

So as I continue to figure out how to grieve and be joyful at the same time, I remember one of my favorite worship songs, "Blessed be Your Name".  Last week we were singing this song in church and I couldn't help but think about how true this song is for my life right now.  I was looking down at a necklace Ashley gave me to remember Elliott, while also seeing my baby bump with my little baby moving and thriving.  These two verses just capture all my feelings over this past year.

Blessed be Your Name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your Name


Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name

I am thankful that though I have walked down the road marked with suffering, that I have also had the chance to feel the sun shining down on me this past year.  So may I try to remember to praise God in the days to come, and on Friday when Ashley and I tearfully celebrate a little life that is in God's presence right now may I remember the journey from despair to joy that we have been on this past year.

An Amazing Grandma and Randomness

I had a great time with my mom today.  "Grandma Cindy" came to South Bend and we bought fabric for her to make the entire bedding set for our nursery.  I couldn't find anything I absolutely loved, so we are partially replicating a design I saw online for a fraction of the price.  I am so blessed to have a mom that is an amazing seamstress who can take 7 different fabrics and make it into exactly what I want.  She said she is glad she has 4 months to do this, but I know she will be done with it in 2, because she is so excited to have a project she can start on for Baby Swanson.  I will definitely post pictures when she is done with her masterpiece.  I am so excited!

However, as excited as I am to start this, I still have a little fear in the "what ifs".  This is the first big purchase we have made for our baby and since it is so personal and so time consuming it scares me to think how I would feel having all this meaningful stuff if something happens to our baby.  But, as Ashley said, I can't keep living life scared and we eventually have to get things around for the baby, so this is a start!

I am still feeling the little guy move quite a bit.  I love every second he moves and I am so blessed to feel him.  It definitely puts a smile on my face every time and I can even see him move in my stomach if I am sitting still.  I love it!  I also have been swimming lately.  I actually regret never swimming before I got pregnant because I truly enjoy it.  It is a great workout, but I never feel the normal aches and pains I felt when I was running a lot.  I am definitely going to work towards doing some type of triathlon after I have this little guy.

My "Bro-Son"

Sean's mom, my mother-in-law, had one goal going into her surgery last year, to be cancer free so she could see Sean graduate.  It breaks my heart that her wish never came true, so Ashley and I are determined to be there to support Sean and cheer him on for all the great accomplishments he has had in his 18 years of life.  However, this May is going to bring about a lot more than just Sean's graduation.  My baby is due 5 days before Sean's graduation.  I'm not quite sure how Ashley and I will work out celebrating both the birth of our baby and the graduation of our "bro-son".  I know that Sean has other family that will support him if Ashley and I can't be there, but I am determined to at least stand in the back with a 2 day old baby if it all possible.  Even though Sean will only have lived with us for a year at that point, my proud mothering tendencies will come out in me and I want to be there for a very momentous occasion in his life.

Sean started his senior year at Marian High School when he moved in with us and is doing quite well.  After his first semester at a private school he has over a 4.0 while succeeding in football and making new friends.  I am very proud of him and excited that he will continue his education at Bethel, my alma mater.  I can't wait to watch him graduate and also throw him a graduation party.  I'm just hoping that my baby decides to come a little early or a little late so I can be there to celebrate Sean's special day.  

Below are some of Sean's senior pictures.  We had a very gifted girl from our church take these and I love them!