Ashley and I went to an all-day childbirth class today. Since I work in the postpartum department I wanted to go so Ashley could learn what to expect, but it was nice to be refreshed on stuff from what I learned in school and to also just learn different ways to cope with the pain. I am not too scared about the whole process because I am just so ready for Jude to be here. I know the pain will probably be more intense and longer than when I miscarried, but I did experience a lot of the sensations they talked about when I lost Elliott, which hopefully will be an advantage.
There was one point in the class when we were practicing breathing techniques that I started laughing so hard I was crying. I think Ashley was embarrassed, but thankfully the lights were dim and we were all spread out among the room. However, the nurse did say that some people laugh their babies out, so maybe I will be one of those people =) Ashley is afraid he will pass out, so if that happens it would probably give me enough to laugh about and distract me from the real pain I am experiencing.
But with that being said, I am just so thankful that we are to this point in my pregnancy that I can even care about the whole process of giving birth to Jude. I didn't think this was going to be possible a year ago and I just feel so blessed to be given the chance to bring a child of mine into this world. We talked about so many techniques and options to use during labor today, but to be honest I don't really care how I have Jude because if I get the joy of holding, kissing, and loving on him I know that the joy I will be experiencing is something many woman don't get to have. As I have continued this blog documenting my pregnancy I am very aware that some people who read this may still be struggling with infertility issues or recurrent miscarriages and I don't take that lightly. My heart still breaks for anyone who is going through something like that because I know how I felt a year ago watching other women's bellies grow and have babies. It is hard and it's not fair. Just the other day Ashley was recounting a conversation he had with a friend about us losing Elliott and I immediately teared up just thinking about that experience a year ago. It was at that moment that I realized the joy of having Jude still doesn't fully take away the pain of losing Elliott because he forever made an impact on my heart.
I am looking forward to the time in (+ or -) 5 weeks that I get to bring Jude into this world and I thank God for him every day. I don't deserve this blessing and I don't take the responsibility of becoming a mother lightly. Whether I have a non-medicated labor or a c-section as long as I can hold Jude in my arms, I will praise God for this miracle of life and for Him allowing me to be a mother to such a vulnerable child. To be entrusted with this seems like a daunting task, but hopefully Ashley and I can some how love Jude like we know our Heavenly Father loves him.
On a lighter note, here is an updated picture of me at 35 weeks. I am huge compared to my 32 week picture...ahhh!