It is with a heavy heart that I post again this morning about another friend of mine who has lost her baby. He was full-term and no complications were noticed during pregnancy or childbirth. However, it appears that afterwards he sustained severe brain damage from lack of oxygen during the delivery. After a week of being in the NICU, his parents have decided to let him go home to be with the Lord. I can't grasp the pain they are experiencing right now. Why wouldn't God heal this little boy? Many people are asking this right now, and so am I. But after some prayer this morning it was laid on my heart that maybe his short amount of time on this earth will be used for a greater purpose than any of us can imagine. His parents plan to donate his organs, and in return bless many families who may have thought their child would die too. Maybe hearing his story will bring others to rely on the Lord and in some time we will all look back and see God's hand in this terrible situation.
I really am at a loss for words as I witness the pain and sorrow both of my friends are experiencing right now. Our God is present even though we can't see the bigger picture right now. As I held Jude this morning I couldn't help but be moved to tears out of thankfulness for his blessing in my life. I also question why I have been blessed with him when I am so undeserving. My friends both have such amazing hearts and loving spirits that I can't help but think they would be better mom's than I. I pray that someday the desires of my friend's hearts are granted, just as mine was with becoming a mother to Jude.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Heartache
Today I was reminded of the heartache I experienced when losing Elliott a year and a half ago. A dear friend of mine was to become a mother today through adoption, but instead the birth mom chose to keep the baby. I can't fathom the roller coaster of emotions she felt finding out they would have a child and then realizing that they wouldn't. I cried for them today and wished that I could take their pain away. No one should be robbed of their chance to be a mother, whether it is through infertility, miscarriage, or a failed adoption.
I can't help but question why God didn't answer my friend's prayer to become a mom. Her and her husband have the sweetest, most gentle spirits I know and they deserve to be parents more than most of us. I know there were so many of us who prayed so earnestly to God for Him to grant the desire of their hearts, so why did this happen? Ashley reminded me that this is a fallen world and when we live in this fallen world there will always be heartache and pain. However, knowing this doesn't make it any easier. I want to take her hurt away. I want to carry the burden for her, or at least with her through the dark days ahead.
It was in the darkest of days after losing Elliott that it didn't seem that there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel, but eventually Ashley and I came through the many heartaches we experienced. And we realized that God was the same through both the painful and joyful times. My prayer is that I can be a small sliver of comfort for my friend who lost her chance to be a mother and hopefully share in times of joy very soon when the desire of her heart is given to her as a little blessing.
I know that many of you don't know my friend, but please pray for comfort for her and her husband right now. Though this child was never theirs, they loved the little baby like their own and so the loss is the same as if it was their own child.
I can't help but question why God didn't answer my friend's prayer to become a mom. Her and her husband have the sweetest, most gentle spirits I know and they deserve to be parents more than most of us. I know there were so many of us who prayed so earnestly to God for Him to grant the desire of their hearts, so why did this happen? Ashley reminded me that this is a fallen world and when we live in this fallen world there will always be heartache and pain. However, knowing this doesn't make it any easier. I want to take her hurt away. I want to carry the burden for her, or at least with her through the dark days ahead.
It was in the darkest of days after losing Elliott that it didn't seem that there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel, but eventually Ashley and I came through the many heartaches we experienced. And we realized that God was the same through both the painful and joyful times. My prayer is that I can be a small sliver of comfort for my friend who lost her chance to be a mother and hopefully share in times of joy very soon when the desire of her heart is given to her as a little blessing.
I know that many of you don't know my friend, but please pray for comfort for her and her husband right now. Though this child was never theirs, they loved the little baby like their own and so the loss is the same as if it was their own child.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
A Different Kind of Church
Church. There is a lot packed into that one word. Depending on your background and your experiences, the word church can either have positive or negative connotations. Some people go to church for social status reasons, some people avoid church because of perceived hypocrisy. Some people go to church and while at church they gossip and slander inside the very building where others are worshipping God. Church is a messy, complicated, wonderful thing. Unfortunately, I don't think the modern day church is what God intended for church to be and that is why Ashley and I are striving to begin a church that has a different focus and different value system then most.
River Park Grace. That is our church's name. We are a church plant branched off of our home church, Harris Prairie Church of Christ. No, Harris Prairie isn't going through a split, and yes, the elders and our senior pastor Larry have given us their blessing to begin this church. As you can tell in the name, our church plant will be located in River Park in South Bend. But that isn't the important part of the name. The important part is the third word, Grace. That is our mission, to share grace with all those we encounter. But to unpack that a bit more, we aren't going to be about the Sunday morning worship experience. We aren't going to except people to show up on Sunday, get their weekly dose of God and leave. We are going to be community focused, striving to better the River Park neighborhood by offering Celebrate Recovery meetings, a coffee shop where people can see familiar, loving faces, a safe haven for women and children, etc. But most importantly we want to offer God's grace to everyone who walks through our doors or who encounters us on the street.
Our desire is to focus on Communion Families, which are a different type of small group that will meet weekly and break bread and drink juice together to remember what Jesus did with his disciples in the New Testament. We will still have a weekly worship gathering, but our goal is to form meaningful, loving "families" outside of church that can meet the needs of those in their neighborhood and in their "family". We are striving to be service focused and in turn share God's love with those who need it most.
This is an exciting, yet scary endeavor for me. It is awesome to see how Ashley is following his dreams and how passionate he is about carrying out his plan. It is also amazing how God's hand has been at work already in this process. He has brought together 17+ adults who have an amazing heart for Him and His work to be a part of the launch team and every time we approach an issue with finances, or legal matters, we can see His hand guiding us in the right direction. The scary part for me is my insecurities of our future. With a family now, it is scary to know that our income is going to be based on us being servants to a rather poor neighborhood. However, I fully trust God will provide as we do the work we feel called to do. It is like doing a mission's trip in our own backyard, and for that I am excited!
So, that is River Park Grace in a nutshell. Ashley probably does a lot better job explaining it, so you should check out his blog for a better synopsis. I don't know how to add a link on here, so you can copy and paste his website if you want to read his blog...sorry!
http://ashleyswanson.wordpress.com/
Oh, and we have our first big event this Sunday. We are doing a block party for the neighborhood with a water balloon fight, music, food, etc. It should be fun and our goal is to show people that River Park Grace is a group of people who love the residents of River Park because God loves them too!
River Park Grace. That is our church's name. We are a church plant branched off of our home church, Harris Prairie Church of Christ. No, Harris Prairie isn't going through a split, and yes, the elders and our senior pastor Larry have given us their blessing to begin this church. As you can tell in the name, our church plant will be located in River Park in South Bend. But that isn't the important part of the name. The important part is the third word, Grace. That is our mission, to share grace with all those we encounter. But to unpack that a bit more, we aren't going to be about the Sunday morning worship experience. We aren't going to except people to show up on Sunday, get their weekly dose of God and leave. We are going to be community focused, striving to better the River Park neighborhood by offering Celebrate Recovery meetings, a coffee shop where people can see familiar, loving faces, a safe haven for women and children, etc. But most importantly we want to offer God's grace to everyone who walks through our doors or who encounters us on the street.
Our desire is to focus on Communion Families, which are a different type of small group that will meet weekly and break bread and drink juice together to remember what Jesus did with his disciples in the New Testament. We will still have a weekly worship gathering, but our goal is to form meaningful, loving "families" outside of church that can meet the needs of those in their neighborhood and in their "family". We are striving to be service focused and in turn share God's love with those who need it most.
This is an exciting, yet scary endeavor for me. It is awesome to see how Ashley is following his dreams and how passionate he is about carrying out his plan. It is also amazing how God's hand has been at work already in this process. He has brought together 17+ adults who have an amazing heart for Him and His work to be a part of the launch team and every time we approach an issue with finances, or legal matters, we can see His hand guiding us in the right direction. The scary part for me is my insecurities of our future. With a family now, it is scary to know that our income is going to be based on us being servants to a rather poor neighborhood. However, I fully trust God will provide as we do the work we feel called to do. It is like doing a mission's trip in our own backyard, and for that I am excited!
So, that is River Park Grace in a nutshell. Ashley probably does a lot better job explaining it, so you should check out his blog for a better synopsis. I don't know how to add a link on here, so you can copy and paste his website if you want to read his blog...sorry!
http://ashleyswanson.wordpress.com/
Oh, and we have our first big event this Sunday. We are doing a block party for the neighborhood with a water balloon fight, music, food, etc. It should be fun and our goal is to show people that River Park Grace is a group of people who love the residents of River Park because God loves them too!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Work and College
Well I survived work. Jude on the other hand doesn't care for me being gone...which makes me feel good and bad at the same time. I worked two 12-hour shifts in a row this past week and that was tough. Jude screamed a decent amount for Ashley because he likes to comfort nurse in the evenings and I wasn't there for him do that. It broke my heart knowing he was missing me so much, but it was nice to know he wanted me. I then woke up about every 3 hours and fed him during the day when I was home and then I went back to work for another 12 hours. To be honest, this is a lot. I miss my little guy, but I am extremely tired too. I had read a book that said going back to work is like the first few weeks after you have your baby and I totally believe it! Except, now I'm not getting the meals made for me or my house cleaned by my family.
Today I skipped church, which I hate doing, but with working so much and then spending all day yesterday moving Sean into college, going to a wedding and spending time with family, I just haven't had time for Jude. He hasn't nursed well in the last 3 days and has been extra cranky. So today I am just hanging out with him, cuddling, rocking him to sleep, and playing with him. So far it has been wonderful. Now that he is napping I thought I would clean and update my blog quickly :)
Yesterday we took Sean to college...he didn't go far, just across the street to Bethel, but nonetheless, he is a college student now. I know he is going to thrive in this atmosphere and he can finally be on a somewhat equal playing field because no one has their parents to rely on in college. It seems like he has great roommates and hopefully he enjoys all his classes. It was funny to hear all the parents talk about how hard of day it was to say goodbye to their kids and how difficult of an adjustment it would be, whereas Ashley and I were thinking about how great of an experience this is going to be for Sean and how happy for him we are that he gets to be surrounded by a loving atmosphere of professors and students on a campus that will hopefully form him into a wonderful man. I am thankful for the year we spent with Sean and hopefully we helped teach him some values that he can carry on into his future development into adulthood, but I am also thankful that it was just a year. This isn't to say anything against Sean, it is just to say that I often felt inadequate as a mother figure for Sean and now he is growing up where he doesn't need to rely on Ashley and I as much. In 18 years I may change my thought on this when Jude goes to college and I may WANT him to continue to rely on his mom.
Well, off to clean and do some laundry while Jude is napping. I plan to update about our church plant endeavor next time!
Today I skipped church, which I hate doing, but with working so much and then spending all day yesterday moving Sean into college, going to a wedding and spending time with family, I just haven't had time for Jude. He hasn't nursed well in the last 3 days and has been extra cranky. So today I am just hanging out with him, cuddling, rocking him to sleep, and playing with him. So far it has been wonderful. Now that he is napping I thought I would clean and update my blog quickly :)
Yesterday we took Sean to college...he didn't go far, just across the street to Bethel, but nonetheless, he is a college student now. I know he is going to thrive in this atmosphere and he can finally be on a somewhat equal playing field because no one has their parents to rely on in college. It seems like he has great roommates and hopefully he enjoys all his classes. It was funny to hear all the parents talk about how hard of day it was to say goodbye to their kids and how difficult of an adjustment it would be, whereas Ashley and I were thinking about how great of an experience this is going to be for Sean and how happy for him we are that he gets to be surrounded by a loving atmosphere of professors and students on a campus that will hopefully form him into a wonderful man. I am thankful for the year we spent with Sean and hopefully we helped teach him some values that he can carry on into his future development into adulthood, but I am also thankful that it was just a year. This isn't to say anything against Sean, it is just to say that I often felt inadequate as a mother figure for Sean and now he is growing up where he doesn't need to rely on Ashley and I as much. In 18 years I may change my thought on this when Jude goes to college and I may WANT him to continue to rely on his mom.
Well, off to clean and do some laundry while Jude is napping. I plan to update about our church plant endeavor next time!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Maternity Leave has Ended
I was supposed to go back to work tonight and I was doing ok all day until about a 1/2 hour before Ashley got home from work and I just started crying. Sometimes it seems so silly to me to care so much because I am only going to be working two 12-hour shifts a week (yes, I did end up cutting back a little after my last post), but I didn't realize how in love and connected I could be to such a little guy. I always just kind of blew it off when I heard about other people dreading going back to work after having a baby, but now I totally understand. However, the good thing is, I got released tonight so I don't go back for another 2 days! Now on Friday I will know there is no chance of me being released and the dreaded day will not be skirted again.
These past 3 months have been the most rewarding, amazing months of my life. I wouldn't trade them for a thing. I asked Ashley what I did in the past 3 months because they seemed to have flown by and he put it perfectly. He said, "You spent every moment possible with Jude". And for that I am thankful.
Jude has been doing some great things lately. He has started rolling over from front to back, he sleeps usually 8 to 9 hours every night, he giggles at his dad's silly faces, and he loves when I read him books. It is fun to watch how he takes in new things every day and how he just loves life.
Here is a recent picture of him. Doesn't his smile just put one on your face? I feel so blessed.
These past 3 months have been the most rewarding, amazing months of my life. I wouldn't trade them for a thing. I asked Ashley what I did in the past 3 months because they seemed to have flown by and he put it perfectly. He said, "You spent every moment possible with Jude". And for that I am thankful.
Jude has been doing some great things lately. He has started rolling over from front to back, he sleeps usually 8 to 9 hours every night, he giggles at his dad's silly faces, and he loves when I read him books. It is fun to watch how he takes in new things every day and how he just loves life.
Here is a recent picture of him. Doesn't his smile just put one on your face? I feel so blessed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)