Blessed be Your Name

The 20 days between my dreaded doctors appointment where we found out Elliott wasn't alive and when I actually miscarried were some of my lowest.  Many of the days were a blur, but things I do remember were my sisters driving from Indianapolis and Ft. Wayne to visit me, my friends planning girl time for me to get out of the house, and my church family making food for Ashley and I because they loved us so much.  Ashley and I spent many nights just crying, although Ashley was the stronger one of us two.  He would rub my feet, rent movies I wanted to watch and we also put together 2 large puzzles to pass the time.  I dreaded the days when I didn't have something planned and Ashley was at work because then I was alone, but at the same time I just wanted to be alone and cry.

I had to go back to work throughout those weeks and it was one of the most difficult things to do.  I work on the Mother/Baby floor at a local hospital and though my co-workers are great, the actual being around families celebrating the birth of their new baby was really hard.  But it wasn't just the happy situations that were hard to be around, it was the sad ones that truly affected me.  Most people assume that working on the Mother/Baby unit is always so joyful and fun, but contrary to their belief, it isn't.  We see underweight babies who scream all the time because their mom did drugs throughout her pregnancy, we see adoptive families walk away empty handed because the birth mom changed her mind, and we see wonderful families grieving the unexpected death of their newborn who had seemed so healthy throughout the mother's pregnancy.  These are all situations that broke my heart prior to losing Elliott, but when I was deep in my grief, these situations especially affected me.  However, through my own experience I believe I can care more sincerely than I had before.  I feel like now I can step past my nursing duties and be a person who deeply loves when someone needs me to.

So this Friday, January 28th, is the one year anniversary of actually losing Elliott.  It's weird because Ashley and I don't really know how to remember the day.  There is no guide book on walking through grief and remembering a baby, so just being together is our plan.  It is at this time that I can't help but think about what our little guy would have been doing, what he would have looked like, or how our life would be different.  But I also remind myself that I wouldn't be in the place I am now without losing Elliott.  I wouldn't be relying on God for every step of my life, I wouldn't be able to love like I do now, and I wouldn't be pregnant with another blessing of God's.  But don't get me wrong, this little guy I am pregnant with now will never replace our first.  Elliott will always be our first and January 28th will always be a day we remember and celebrate our first little miracle.

To be totally honest, this week has been very difficult for me.  I have been sleep deprived due to working night shift, my pregnancy hormones are crazy and the grief seems to creep up on me at unexpected times.  Last night I couldn't sleep and it was the first night in a week that I was going to be able to sleep all night without interruptions, but for about 3 hours I just laid awake and thought about the journey we have been on this past year.  I eventually cried myself to sleep reliving the experience of when I buried Elliott and this morning I woke up in a foggy state of mind due to crazy dreams that followed.  I just feel like I am in this battle between joy and grief and I don't know how to balance it.  I am grateful for my little blessing now and I often tell myself I shouldn't grieve for my baby I lost last year because I am incredibly blessed with another one, but I also don't want to downplay the impact Elliott made on my heart in the few months I carried him.

So as I continue to figure out how to grieve and be joyful at the same time, I remember one of my favorite worship songs, "Blessed be Your Name".  Last week we were singing this song in church and I couldn't help but think about how true this song is for my life right now.  I was looking down at a necklace Ashley gave me to remember Elliott, while also seeing my baby bump with my little baby moving and thriving.  These two verses just capture all my feelings over this past year.

Blessed be Your Name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your Name


Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name

I am thankful that though I have walked down the road marked with suffering, that I have also had the chance to feel the sun shining down on me this past year.  So may I try to remember to praise God in the days to come, and on Friday when Ashley and I tearfully celebrate a little life that is in God's presence right now may I remember the journey from despair to joy that we have been on this past year.