I'm not going to lie, this past week was not a good one for me (or probably anyone around me). There were several factors playing into it being pretty crappy. First of all, I came crashing down from a high of a great shower with my family into a situation that was very frustrating and unpreventable on my end (I won't go into details, but I'm working through this one). I also came to the reality after receiving so much love from the shower last weekend that "this is real...Jude is going to be here in 10 short weeks".
I am thoroughly excited about this, but with the excitement comes grief. I know that is weird, but let me explain. Receiving gifts for Jude reminded me that I never had this chance with Elliott. It also just brought back the reality that some people never get to experience being showered with love like this for their baby because for one reason or another they can't have kids. When Ashley and I got home from my shower last weekend, I went directly outside to the backyard and cried over Elliott's tiny grave. It was snowing and wet outside, but I didn't care. Not until Ashley came and directed me back into the house did I even care to move. As I walked back into the house I was faced with the overwhelming magnitude of presents that I don't feel like I deserve. I slowly began to go through those gifts and just kept crying. Honestly part of it was crazy pregnancy hormones, but part of it was just grief for all the people who have always desired to have a child and can't. Being showered with gifts is a wonderful feeling and knowing your baby is going to be loved by all these people around you is amazing, but not everyone gets this chance. As I think back to a year ago I am reminded of the grief and pain I felt thinking I would never get to this point with a little baby growing healthily inside of me, but I have been blessed mightily by God with little Jude and I don't want the clothes and toys and things to overshadow my sincere thankfulness for getting another chance at having a baby. A major part of what I learned when I lost Elliott was that the "stuff" and consumerism of life was hindering my ability to love and care for people, so I don't want to let this happen now that I have started accumulating things for Jude.
In addition to the above reason putting a burden on my heart all week, I also acquired a stupid head cold that knocked me down. I never used to get sick much, but I think with having a teenage boy live in my house (who gets sick ALLLL the time) I don't really have an option. I get quite frustrated with this and my best efforts at disinfecting with Chlorox wipes and Lysol didn't prevent me from getting sick this time. I know Sean tries, but he really isn't very good at not spreading his sickness to me. All 3 of us were sick this week and the worst part is watching the boys take DayQuil and all the medicine I can't because I am pregnant. I also know that colds can't hurt Jude, but I hate the thought of something Sean bringing home affecting my ability to keep Jude healthy and carry him full term. So with that, my patience was cut down to about nothing this week.
So...I did a crazy, maybe mean, but very necessary thing for me...I asked Ashley to see if his twin brother would take Sean for the weekend. I honestly did this to save Sean, not myself. If any of you have been pregnant I am hoping you understand the hormones I have been experiencing that sometimes make me crazy. They really were surging this past week in addition to everything else, enough that I was afraid Sean would get inbetween the crossfire of my craziness. I needed a break and I didn't want to be unfair to him where I began yelling at him for putting his shoes where I told him to put them or getting mad that he has to eat (like everyone else in this world), etc. So after today Sean is coming back and I am ready. I feel rejuvenated from some time well spent with close friends and my sisters and I am ready to try as hard as possible to be as hormonal-less (don't think that's a word) as possible until Jude gets here, for the sake of Sean and Ashley and everyone else I encounter on a weekly basis.
Through all of this, Ashley has been an amazing husband, brother and dad and I am thankful for his steadfastness or I really may not have survived my own craziness this past week. I was dealing with grief, frustration, elation, sickness and hormones, but somehow Ashley continued to love me and care for me better than I deserve. So here's to this coming week...may I be patient and loving and thankful for what life circumstances are thrown my way.
Random thought...can babies inside your womb sense your emotions? If so, Jude must be awfully confused!