It was this holiday last year that was so difficult because I should have been carrying a baby and been almost a "mom" to my first child. Thankfully I had a wonderful husband and sisters that remembered to write me kind cards and validate my feelings of being a mom to a child that never actually lived on this earth. My eyes were opened last year to how many other women privately ache to be recognized as a mother but aren't due to similar circumstances of either miscarriages or infertility. The empty void you feel when flowers are passed out at church to all the mothers and you aren't handed one is a feeling that no one understands unless they have been down that road.
Now we come around to a year later and I have been almost a "mom" another time. The second one is with Sean. I'm not a mom to him, but for the past year I have had to try to be motherly. To be quite honest, I fail at this most days. Sometimes I think of myself as that annoying step-mom that the child hates. I am sure this isn't true, but I also don't replace the wonderful mom Sean had a year ago. It is this second chance at being a "mom" for me that makes me realize and appreciate all the mother's out there that have adopted children, who are foster parents, or step-mothers. I don't think they always get the recognition and appreciation they deserve for sacrificing so much for someone not related by blood. There is a certain element of self-sacrifice that must occur in order to love someone unconditionally that you didn't bring into this world yourself.
And now I wait to be a "mom" for the third time. Ashley says I am already a mother because I have carried Jude for 9 months, but to be honest, I don't and probably won't feel like a mother until I actually hold him in my arms. I was kind of hoping that Jude would come two weeks early (partly b/c I am so uncomfortable) so I could actually feel like a mom on Mother's Day and so to the "world" I could be selfishly recognized as a mom.
So Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there. The mom's that have lost children, the mom's who have adopted/fostered children, the mom's that are pregnant, and the mom's that may never be recognized on this special holiday.
I also want to recognize my own mom. Above is a picture of us a few years ago. She is wonderful and as I think about Ashley and Sean who can't celebrate their mom this year, I am overwhelmingly thankful that my mother is still here. I won't get to see her on Mother's Day this year, but I love her all the same. She nurtured me, directed me, loved me, and sacrificed her own life for mine, and for that I am forever indebted. She is almost a grandma now and with that I know she will give her love to Jude just as much as she did to me. I can't wait to see her thrive in her element of caring once he gets here. If only I could just half-way be a mom like her, then maybe I will be doing something right. I love you mom.
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