Saturday, December 11, 2010


When I lost Elliott, a friend of mine gave me a memory box to put cards, ultrasound pictures, and meaningful items in.  It sits on my dresser and occasionally I will sit on my bed with a box of kleenex and look through everything I placed inside it the month surrounding my miscarriage.  The kind words written on cards and the ultrasound pictures always bring tears to my eyes, but I am thankful I have this memory box so I can remember Elliott.  Ashley and I had never gotten to the point in my first pregnancy where we had bought or been given anything for Elliott, but for that I am thankful.  I often think of those families who lose babies further along in their pregnancy and how they probably had the nursery painted, the crib assembled, and the closet full of clothes.  How does anyone even begin to put away those things?  What do you do with everything that was never used?

As I progress further along in this pregnancy I can't seem to get past the emotional wall I have put up regarding preparing for and buying stuff for my little baby.  I know I am still early on, but I am so afraid to even think about buying anything, because what happens if I never get to use it?  It seems easier to stay guarded than to let myself enjoy dreaming of nursery colors, buying a little pair of socks, or talking with Ashley about names.  If anyone knows me, this isn't my personality.  I like to plan ahead and be prepared, but honestly I just can't.  I went shopping with my mom today and we decided to look at some little boy clothes and as fun as it was to hold up the tiny sweaters and corduroy pants, I now sit here in a funk because I don't want to let myself get excited like I did this afternoon.  But the truth is, my heart is already completely in love with this baby, so whether I let myself get excited or not,  I will be devastated if I lose my baby boy.  I have to remember, that I can't live life expecting the worst because then I will never enjoy it.  So for now I think I will just take slow and steady steps toward preparing for our baby and maybe someday when I am actually holding him in my arms I will finally fully let my guard down.

Below is another ultrasound picture from my last appointment.  Isn't his nose cute?


  1. I'm so glad you started this blog and are sharing your story. You are strong woman my friend. I think and pray for you and Ashley often. What a journey God is taking you on!!! Your faithfulness is an encouragement and challenge to me. You are loved friend!

  2. I don't know you but our husband's went to high school together. We too had a miscarriage... last March. I felt a lot like you did. We are now just 6 weeks away from welcoming our little girl into this world. I am filled with joy, love and excitement, but one the other hand so nervous of the unknown.
    One thing I have learned through this pregnancy it is enjoy every single moment. Take in those special moments when your little guy is kicking you , gets the hiccups, and the back pain because there is nothing better than that.It keeps you knowing that your little one is doing great. ( I sometimes just poke at her to make her move around, just to make sure she is still there)
    I think when us women who have lost a pregnancy, or baby the thought of it happening again will never leave our minds. But our God is there to help guide and protect us through it all. He is holding all of us mommy hands through the scariest and more blessed stages of our lives.
    I am praying for you and Ashley. Ya'll are so strong and you are about to be blessed with the most Amazing Gift God can give!

  3. I, too, am glad you have started this blog and are sharing your story. Miscarriages are very personal, and the hurts run deep, and I can completely understand why some would want to keep those matters private, or disclosed only to family. You are brave to share your story, and I pray you are blessed in sharing it, and will be a blessing to those who have gone through similar situations.

    To share the pain is to be vulnerable to a hurt that already seems all-encompassing, but I pray that while you're sharing your joys and pains and being vulnerable in sharing of your miscarriage and of your journey through your second pregnancy, that you will be blessed with healing.

    I once fell running, and it took a good chunk out of my knee cap. I felt silly about the incident, as I tripped over my own feet, and I wore a large bandage and/or pants to cover up the wound while it healed, so people wouldn't have to see it and ask about it. I felt dumb, but I left a bigger scar on my knee because the bandage keep the wound "wet" for longer and when it scabbed, lint from my jeans would get in it. If I wouldn't have been so concerned about covering it up, I would have healed faster and not had such a large scar.
    That situation is much different than that of losing a child, but I hope and pray that as you write of your miscarriage with Elliott, and as you leave your wounds exposed and uncovered, that your healing will be helped, that the scars won't run as deep. Your miscarriage is nothing to be shamed of, or to feel silly for- you've got lots of people who love you, and want to support you and Ashley through this journey, and I hope you are blessed in sharing your needs and thoughts and feelings.

    In addition to it being good for your heart to share your feelings in this blog, this blog is good for Elliott, too. By sharing your story, he is known by those who love and care for you, and his life, though short, is celebrated and given meaning in the loving words you share of him. I never met him, but Elliott still holds a place in my heart, and I'm so thankful that you've shared this precious part of your family with others.

    One step at a time, little slow and steady steps. If it takes until the day you're in the hospital, laboring, to prepare for baby, I personally promise to make a mad-dash around town to set up nursery and pack a diaper bag to prepare for bringing home this little one. ; )