Monday, December 6, 2010

Expecting Blessing Number Three

Yes I can count and no I didn't leave part of my story out in my previous posts.  We are expecting our third blessing, another child.  The first was Elliott because even though he never made an impact on this world to others, he made an imprint on our hearts.  The second blessing was Sean, despite the fact I didn't personally bring him into this world, he is now my child.  And the third blessing is little baby Swanson, whom I am now carrying.  For 16 weeks this sweet little baby has been inside my womb growing and forever making an impact on my life.  Ashley and I found out we were blessed with this baby on Sean's 18th birthday.  How fitting to celebrate one child's birthday and another child's beginning of existence to this world.

I'm not going to lie, despite the excitement of being pregnant again, the fear has overwhelmed me many days.  The fear of losing another baby has gripped me more times than I can count.  Every time I wasn't nauseous, every time I had a small twinge of pain, and every time I remembered Elliott, I was quick to forget that "the Lord is my God".  But as my blog is titled after David Crowder's song, "You Never Let Go" I am constantly reminded that God never lets go, whether I am walking through joy or pain.  God will prove to be faithful no matter the outcome of this pregnancy and for that I am forever grateful.

One of the reasons I started this blog, was not to just share my story, but to be conscientious of those who have lost babies themselves.  One of the most difficult things in the months following the loss of Elliott, was opening my facebook feed and reading post after post about others being pregnant.  Whether it was pure joy they were experiencing, or complaining about an "annoying" symptom of pregnancy, it would ruin my mood every time and set me back several steps I thought I had taken in the healing process.  This made me realize that I too was unaware of the pain I caused others when I announced my pregnancy with Elliott on facebook.  And I'm not saying people can't do this, but due to the pain I experienced, I have decided to start this blog as an update for family and friends who want to hear of my progress and see pictures, instead of posting it on facebook.  I want unrecognized mothers and woman who can't get pregnant to know that I'm aware of their pain and their sorrow and that I don't take this pregnancy lightly or for granted.  Every day I realize how blessed I am to be given a second chance to carry a little miracle of God and every day I realize that carrying Elliott for 14 weeks was more than some woman experience in their lifetime.

So below is my third blessing.  Here he/she is at 10 weeks.  Tomorrow I have the chance to get another ultrasound and see God's little miracle through the glimpse of amazing technology.

As one of my dear friends said when she saw this, "he looks so relaxed".  I am glad my baby is relaxed, because I will admit my fear of another loss has definitely hindered my ability to relax through this pregnancy so far.  But relaxed or not, I know that through this current joyful period of my life God is not letting go of me, and for that I am thankful.  


  1. This blog is beautiful, Steph. Thank you so much for sharing.

  2. I just read through all your posts and now teary eyed with sorrow and happiness I say Congrats.
    I remember after having Ian I had requested you to be my night nurse as it turns out you weren't working that evening and I was discharged the following afternoon. I remember seeing you though as you brough a family down to the NICU and telling you congrats. Well I was never able to tell you how I ached for you after learning of your loss. You and Ashley have been through a lot and are amazing parents.

  3. Thank you for this.

    Yesterday was five years since we lost Josephine.
    Though the pain never really leaves, it has become a sweet ache.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Your writing is as beautiful as you are.....your life is a testimony of God's faithfulness and goodness.

  6. Steph, I'm proud to be your sister. You have such a beautiful spirit and I hope each day to be more like you. You made me cry, and that's saying a lot.

    Thank you for sharing your pain, growth, and new life with us. I am excited to be part of your life and watch you grow (literally for once!). :)

    Love you and Ashley both.

  7. I agree w/ everything Little A said! I was pretty much convulsing with tears the first time I read through this. The fact you made Little A cry is monumental. :)

    We are excited about baby Swanson and I look forward to future posts.

    Love you both (all three of you!)