I'm not going to lie, despite the excitement of being pregnant again, the fear has overwhelmed me many days. The fear of losing another baby has gripped me more times than I can count. Every time I wasn't nauseous, every time I had a small twinge of pain, and every time I remembered Elliott, I was quick to forget that "the Lord is my God". But as my blog is titled after David Crowder's song, "You Never Let Go" I am constantly reminded that God never lets go, whether I am walking through joy or pain. God will prove to be faithful no matter the outcome of this pregnancy and for that I am forever grateful.
One of the reasons I started this blog, was not to just share my story, but to be conscientious of those who have lost babies themselves. One of the most difficult things in the months following the loss of Elliott, was opening my facebook feed and reading post after post about others being pregnant. Whether it was pure joy they were experiencing, or complaining about an "annoying" symptom of pregnancy, it would ruin my mood every time and set me back several steps I thought I had taken in the healing process. This made me realize that I too was unaware of the pain I caused others when I announced my pregnancy with Elliott on facebook. And I'm not saying people can't do this, but due to the pain I experienced, I have decided to start this blog as an update for family and friends who want to hear of my progress and see pictures, instead of posting it on facebook. I want unrecognized mothers and woman who can't get pregnant to know that I'm aware of their pain and their sorrow and that I don't take this pregnancy lightly or for granted. Every day I realize how blessed I am to be given a second chance to carry a little miracle of God and every day I realize that carrying Elliott for 14 weeks was more than some woman experience in their lifetime.
So below is my third blessing. Here he/she is at 10 weeks. Tomorrow I have the chance to get another ultrasound and see God's little miracle through the glimpse of amazing technology.
As one of my dear friends said when she saw this, "he looks so relaxed". I am glad my baby is relaxed, because I will admit my fear of another loss has definitely hindered my ability to relax through this pregnancy so far. But relaxed or not, I know that through this current joyful period of my life God is not letting go of me, and for that I am thankful.