I often think about "re-starting" my blog, but then life catches up with me and I realize I don't have much time to do it, so I don't. Here's to a new start and an attempt to write more than once every two years.
My life is full. Today we celebrate my youngest son, Shepard's, 11 month birthday and we also remember the reason I started this blog; my first child. It's been 4 years since my heart broke into a million pieces. 4 years since I became a mom. 4 years since I became a different me. Last night Ashley and I put our kids, Jude who is 2 1/2 and Shepard, to sleep and had a wonderful date night at home. We intended to go out but with Snowmaggedon 2014 going on in Northern Indiana everything is closed and so we were forced to stay at home. But, it was wonderful. Exactly what we needed amidst the busy life of planting a church and having two young boys. We had a nice candlelight dinner and then trekked outside in snow up to our knees to find Elliott's little grave. It took quite the effort given there was several feet of snow protecting it, but with much effort we beat the subzero temps and snow drifts to reflect on the first life God blessed our family with. Before going inside I figured the only logical thing to do at that moment since I was covered in snow and inappropriately dressed for the temps was to fall backwards and make a snow angel. It was joyous. Cold, yes, but freeing. I even convinced my husband to join me. We were covered from head to toe in snow, but why not remember Elliott through laughter too?
A lot has changed in four years. We are a family with two busy little boys, we have started a church plant in River Park, and I now work very part-time as a nurse so I can manage all of that. Many days it's a lot to handle. Changing diapers, potty-training, breaking up fights, stepping on legos (Ouch!), hauling kids to the grocery store, managing a budget on a pastor's salary, supporting my husband's dream, and often feeling like I'm trapped in the same cycle everyday. But today is such a great yearly reminder of what my deepest desire was four years ago and why the sometimes mundane and often crazy and patience-trying times of motherhood is also so rewarding and worth it. There are days I want to pull my hair out, any mom would agree, but I'm thankful for these two little lives that God has blessed me with. Jude and Shepard fill my heart with more than I deserve and forever I am grateful. Though I only carried Elliott for a short time in the whole scheme of our lives, he will forever hold a special place in my heart and hopefully be a reminder of God's sufficient grace.
Here is a picture of my sons sitting by Elliott's little stone. This of course was several months ago prior to Snowmaggedon 2014.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9