Life is Precious

Today I was reminded of how precious life is.  4 teenage boys from my high school were killed in a car accident yesterday and I can't help but think how I would cope losing my son who was about ready to graduate from high school and had his whole future ahead of him.  It reminds me to not take for granted this little baby growing inside me and to love him every day because we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.  It is easy to get caught up in life and my mentality is usually very task oriented, so much so, that I don't want to forget to cherish Jude's first smile, or his wet kisses, or him waking me up throughout the night.  My heart breaks for the families of these boys, as I am sure many people's do.  I wish I could take some of the hurt and anger away from them, but I know our Lord Jesus Christ is the only one who can do this and my prayer is that somehow they can find comfort in Him.

And just as the title of my blog is "in joy and pain", the stark contrast of emotions happened today.  As my heart broke for the families from Angola because I know they were experiencing some of the worst pain in their life today, I again had the joy of celebrating the upcoming birth of baby Jude.  My church family poured out their love through showering us with many gifts today.  It was overwhelming.  I am thankful for a loving group of people who care so much for Ashley and I.  I honestly would have been happy just to have cupcakes and talk to people, but to be given so many gifts I just feel overwhelmed with gratitude.  Ashley and I honestly don't know where to put half the stuff (partly because we don't have our furniture yet), but also just because people gave us so much.  The great part of having such a loving church family isn't because of all the material things we received, but is the fact that I know Jude will be loved and supported and taken care of by a large group of fellow Christians and that I have a wonderful support system surrounding Ashley and I.

Hormonal Craziness

I'm not going to lie, this past week was not a good one for me (or probably anyone around me).  There were several factors playing into it being pretty crappy.  First of all, I came crashing down from a high of a great shower with my family into a situation that was very frustrating and unpreventable on my end (I won't go into details, but I'm working through this one).  I also came to the reality after receiving so much love from the shower last weekend that "this is real...Jude is going to be here in 10 short weeks".

I am thoroughly excited about this, but with the excitement comes grief.  I know that is weird, but let me explain.  Receiving gifts for Jude reminded me that I never had this chance with Elliott.  It also just brought back the reality that some people never get to experience being showered with love like this for their baby because for one reason or another they can't have kids.  When Ashley and I got home from my shower last weekend, I went directly outside to the backyard and cried over Elliott's tiny grave.  It was snowing and wet outside, but I didn't care.  Not until Ashley came and directed me back into the house did I even care to move.  As I walked back into the house I was faced with the overwhelming magnitude of presents that I don't feel like I deserve.  I slowly began to go through those gifts and just kept crying.  Honestly part of it was crazy pregnancy hormones, but part of it was just grief for all the people who have always desired to have a child and can't.  Being showered with gifts is a wonderful feeling and knowing your baby is going to be loved by all these people around you is amazing, but not everyone gets this chance.   As I think back to a year ago I am reminded of the grief and pain I felt thinking I would never get to this point with a little baby growing healthily inside of me, but I have been blessed mightily by God with little Jude and I don't want the clothes and toys and things to overshadow my sincere thankfulness for getting another chance at having a baby.  A major part of what I learned when I lost Elliott was that the "stuff" and consumerism of life was hindering my ability to love and care for people, so I don't want to let this happen now that I have started accumulating things for Jude.

In addition to the above reason putting a burden on my heart all week, I also acquired a stupid head cold that knocked me down.  I never used to get sick much, but I think with having a teenage boy live in my house (who gets sick ALLLL the time) I don't really have an option.  I get quite frustrated with this and my best efforts at disinfecting with Chlorox wipes and Lysol didn't prevent me from getting sick this time.  I know Sean tries, but he really isn't very good at not spreading his sickness to me.  All 3 of us were sick this week and the worst part is watching the boys take DayQuil and all the medicine I can't because I am pregnant. I also know that colds can't hurt Jude, but I hate the thought of something Sean bringing home affecting my ability to keep Jude healthy and carry him full term.  So with that, my patience was cut down to about nothing this week.

So...I did a crazy, maybe mean, but very necessary thing for me...I asked Ashley to see if his twin brother would take Sean for the weekend.  I honestly did this to save Sean, not myself.  If any of you have been pregnant I am hoping you understand the hormones I have been experiencing that sometimes make me crazy.  They really were surging this past week in addition to everything else, enough that I was afraid Sean would get inbetween the crossfire of my craziness.  I needed a break and I didn't want to be unfair to him where I began yelling at him for putting his shoes where I told him to put them or getting mad that he has to eat (like everyone else in this world), etc.  So after today Sean is coming back and I am ready.  I feel rejuvenated from some time well spent with close friends and my sisters and I am ready to try as hard as possible to be as hormonal-less (don't think that's a word) as possible until Jude gets here, for the sake of Sean and Ashley and everyone else I encounter on a weekly basis.

Through all of this, Ashley has been an amazing husband, brother and dad and I am thankful for his steadfastness or I really may not have survived my own craziness this past week.  I was dealing with grief, frustration, elation, sickness and hormones, but somehow Ashley continued to love me and care for me better than I deserve.  So here's to this coming week...may I be patient and loving and thankful for what life circumstances are thrown my way.

Random thought...can babies inside your womb sense your emotions?  If so, Jude must be awfully confused!

Blessed

My mom and both my sisters threw me an amazing baby shower yesterday.  I didn't deserve everything they did for me.  The food was amazing, the decorations were thoughtful and creative and the party was fun.  I was also just so taken back by all the amazing gifts everyone gave me for little Jude.  He is one blessed and loved little guy and no one has even met him yet!

Ashley and I in front of the cake

The adorable cake!

Me at 29 weeks

Me and a childhood friend

Friends and family eating lunch

Grandma Cindy who threw a great shower at her house

My mom and sisters.  They are amazing hosts and family.

My sisters-in-law and I.  They will be great aunts!

Family

Spring and Parenting

I love spring. It is my favorite season for many reasons.  I love the sunshine, the flowers coming up out of the previously frozen ground, and the calming rain that will eventually bring new life to the grass and trees.  I also love to open all the windows in our house and let the fresh air drive out the staleness of winter.  With it being March 1st, I feel like spring is just around the corner, and I can't wait!

This year spring will also bring about a new beginning for Ashley and I.  We will get to welcome little Jude into this world and become parents to a newborn infant.  As excited as I am for this, I am also apprehensive about raising a child of my own.  Ashley and I don't want to just raise our children so they just survive in this world, but we want to raise them to love and serve the Lord.  Over the past 9 months I have had the privilege of experiencing firsthand how my mother-in-law and father-in-law made this their first priority with their sons.  Being married to Ashley, I knew he was raised in a manner different than most children; he has such a pure heart for God and is a better man than most.  However, I always assumed that part of what I saw in Ashley was due to maturity and age, but now that I have lived with Sean for 9 months I realize that my in-laws instilled values into all their children that most kids don't get.  I want to be a parent like that.  It is a scary task, but hopefully one that I can live up to with the help of Ashley and friends and family surrounding us.

The Name...

We started announcing our baby's name this week.  It is nice to be able to refer to him by his name, but it is just a weird thing to start telling people because I know everyone has an opinion, but they aren't going to tell me because they don't want to hurt my feelings if they don't like it.  But then again, I am pretty sure I don't want to hear it if someone doesn't like it.  =)  It was fun to tell my mom the name because she cried and laughed and was just so happy we told her.  But no matter what we would have named our little guy she would have loved it.

So to tell everyone who reads this blog (if there is anyone).  We are going to name our son Jude Elliott Swanson.  We decided to use the name Elliott as his middle name to honor our first baby and because we still loved the meaning of it, "the Lord is my God".  Jude was one of four first names we were considering and Ashley and I decided on Jude for several reasons, but the main one being that it means "praise" and we just feel like it is a very fitting meaning for this pregnancy.  We feel very blessed and thankful to have another chance at having a child and we don't want to forget to praise God for this little blessing.  As time continues to tick we realize 14 weeks really isn't that far away and Ashley and I can't wait to meet little Jude Elliott.

Moving Right Along

Well, I am 25 weeks.  Time sure is going by quickly.  It was so nice to hit the 24 week mark because that is when the doctors will do everything they can to save our baby if I were to go into preterm labor.  I go for another appointment on Monday and even though I can feel my little guy move, I always like the reassurance of hearing his heartbeat.  I was actually supposed to go last Wednesday for my appointment, but they cancelled it because of the snow.

Ashley started painting the nursery today.  It looks great and I love how motivated he is to paint for me.  We still have no furniture, but my mom did finish the curtains and bed skirt, so we are getting somewhere!  I also made my first clothing purchase today for our little guy.  It is the cutest little pair of swim trunks and shirt.  Since my family has a lake cottage we figured we would be up there quite a bit this summer and I just couldn't resist a good sale when buying his first outfit.

Our little guy also has a name now...nope I'm not going to share it on here quite yet.  Sorry!  We do plan on telling people before we have him, but we are just making sure we don't want to change our mind.  Ashley and I have fun referring to him by his name when no one is around, but family will know first and then after we share it personally I promise I will put it on here.

Here is a picture of me at 25 weeks for those who care.

Blessed be Your Name

The 20 days between my dreaded doctors appointment where we found out Elliott wasn't alive and when I actually miscarried were some of my lowest.  Many of the days were a blur, but things I do remember were my sisters driving from Indianapolis and Ft. Wayne to visit me, my friends planning girl time for me to get out of the house, and my church family making food for Ashley and I because they loved us so much.  Ashley and I spent many nights just crying, although Ashley was the stronger one of us two.  He would rub my feet, rent movies I wanted to watch and we also put together 2 large puzzles to pass the time.  I dreaded the days when I didn't have something planned and Ashley was at work because then I was alone, but at the same time I just wanted to be alone and cry.

I had to go back to work throughout those weeks and it was one of the most difficult things to do.  I work on the Mother/Baby floor at a local hospital and though my co-workers are great, the actual being around families celebrating the birth of their new baby was really hard.  But it wasn't just the happy situations that were hard to be around, it was the sad ones that truly affected me.  Most people assume that working on the Mother/Baby unit is always so joyful and fun, but contrary to their belief, it isn't.  We see underweight babies who scream all the time because their mom did drugs throughout her pregnancy, we see adoptive families walk away empty handed because the birth mom changed her mind, and we see wonderful families grieving the unexpected death of their newborn who had seemed so healthy throughout the mother's pregnancy.  These are all situations that broke my heart prior to losing Elliott, but when I was deep in my grief, these situations especially affected me.  However, through my own experience I believe I can care more sincerely than I had before.  I feel like now I can step past my nursing duties and be a person who deeply loves when someone needs me to.

So this Friday, January 28th, is the one year anniversary of actually losing Elliott.  It's weird because Ashley and I don't really know how to remember the day.  There is no guide book on walking through grief and remembering a baby, so just being together is our plan.  It is at this time that I can't help but think about what our little guy would have been doing, what he would have looked like, or how our life would be different.  But I also remind myself that I wouldn't be in the place I am now without losing Elliott.  I wouldn't be relying on God for every step of my life, I wouldn't be able to love like I do now, and I wouldn't be pregnant with another blessing of God's.  But don't get me wrong, this little guy I am pregnant with now will never replace our first.  Elliott will always be our first and January 28th will always be a day we remember and celebrate our first little miracle.

To be totally honest, this week has been very difficult for me.  I have been sleep deprived due to working night shift, my pregnancy hormones are crazy and the grief seems to creep up on me at unexpected times.  Last night I couldn't sleep and it was the first night in a week that I was going to be able to sleep all night without interruptions, but for about 3 hours I just laid awake and thought about the journey we have been on this past year.  I eventually cried myself to sleep reliving the experience of when I buried Elliott and this morning I woke up in a foggy state of mind due to crazy dreams that followed.  I just feel like I am in this battle between joy and grief and I don't know how to balance it.  I am grateful for my little blessing now and I often tell myself I shouldn't grieve for my baby I lost last year because I am incredibly blessed with another one, but I also don't want to downplay the impact Elliott made on my heart in the few months I carried him.

So as I continue to figure out how to grieve and be joyful at the same time, I remember one of my favorite worship songs, "Blessed be Your Name".  Last week we were singing this song in church and I couldn't help but think about how true this song is for my life right now.  I was looking down at a necklace Ashley gave me to remember Elliott, while also seeing my baby bump with my little baby moving and thriving.  These two verses just capture all my feelings over this past year.

Blessed be Your Name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your Name


Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name

I am thankful that though I have walked down the road marked with suffering, that I have also had the chance to feel the sun shining down on me this past year.  So may I try to remember to praise God in the days to come, and on Friday when Ashley and I tearfully celebrate a little life that is in God's presence right now may I remember the journey from despair to joy that we have been on this past year.