Blessed be Your Name

The 20 days between my dreaded doctors appointment where we found out Elliott wasn't alive and when I actually miscarried were some of my lowest.  Many of the days were a blur, but things I do remember were my sisters driving from Indianapolis and Ft. Wayne to visit me, my friends planning girl time for me to get out of the house, and my church family making food for Ashley and I because they loved us so much.  Ashley and I spent many nights just crying, although Ashley was the stronger one of us two.  He would rub my feet, rent movies I wanted to watch and we also put together 2 large puzzles to pass the time.  I dreaded the days when I didn't have something planned and Ashley was at work because then I was alone, but at the same time I just wanted to be alone and cry.

I had to go back to work throughout those weeks and it was one of the most difficult things to do.  I work on the Mother/Baby floor at a local hospital and though my co-workers are great, the actual being around families celebrating the birth of their new baby was really hard.  But it wasn't just the happy situations that were hard to be around, it was the sad ones that truly affected me.  Most people assume that working on the Mother/Baby unit is always so joyful and fun, but contrary to their belief, it isn't.  We see underweight babies who scream all the time because their mom did drugs throughout her pregnancy, we see adoptive families walk away empty handed because the birth mom changed her mind, and we see wonderful families grieving the unexpected death of their newborn who had seemed so healthy throughout the mother's pregnancy.  These are all situations that broke my heart prior to losing Elliott, but when I was deep in my grief, these situations especially affected me.  However, through my own experience I believe I can care more sincerely than I had before.  I feel like now I can step past my nursing duties and be a person who deeply loves when someone needs me to.

So this Friday, January 28th, is the one year anniversary of actually losing Elliott.  It's weird because Ashley and I don't really know how to remember the day.  There is no guide book on walking through grief and remembering a baby, so just being together is our plan.  It is at this time that I can't help but think about what our little guy would have been doing, what he would have looked like, or how our life would be different.  But I also remind myself that I wouldn't be in the place I am now without losing Elliott.  I wouldn't be relying on God for every step of my life, I wouldn't be able to love like I do now, and I wouldn't be pregnant with another blessing of God's.  But don't get me wrong, this little guy I am pregnant with now will never replace our first.  Elliott will always be our first and January 28th will always be a day we remember and celebrate our first little miracle.

To be totally honest, this week has been very difficult for me.  I have been sleep deprived due to working night shift, my pregnancy hormones are crazy and the grief seems to creep up on me at unexpected times.  Last night I couldn't sleep and it was the first night in a week that I was going to be able to sleep all night without interruptions, but for about 3 hours I just laid awake and thought about the journey we have been on this past year.  I eventually cried myself to sleep reliving the experience of when I buried Elliott and this morning I woke up in a foggy state of mind due to crazy dreams that followed.  I just feel like I am in this battle between joy and grief and I don't know how to balance it.  I am grateful for my little blessing now and I often tell myself I shouldn't grieve for my baby I lost last year because I am incredibly blessed with another one, but I also don't want to downplay the impact Elliott made on my heart in the few months I carried him.

So as I continue to figure out how to grieve and be joyful at the same time, I remember one of my favorite worship songs, "Blessed be Your Name".  Last week we were singing this song in church and I couldn't help but think about how true this song is for my life right now.  I was looking down at a necklace Ashley gave me to remember Elliott, while also seeing my baby bump with my little baby moving and thriving.  These two verses just capture all my feelings over this past year.

Blessed be Your Name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your Name


Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name

I am thankful that though I have walked down the road marked with suffering, that I have also had the chance to feel the sun shining down on me this past year.  So may I try to remember to praise God in the days to come, and on Friday when Ashley and I tearfully celebrate a little life that is in God's presence right now may I remember the journey from despair to joy that we have been on this past year.

An Amazing Grandma and Randomness

I had a great time with my mom today.  "Grandma Cindy" came to South Bend and we bought fabric for her to make the entire bedding set for our nursery.  I couldn't find anything I absolutely loved, so we are partially replicating a design I saw online for a fraction of the price.  I am so blessed to have a mom that is an amazing seamstress who can take 7 different fabrics and make it into exactly what I want.  She said she is glad she has 4 months to do this, but I know she will be done with it in 2, because she is so excited to have a project she can start on for Baby Swanson.  I will definitely post pictures when she is done with her masterpiece.  I am so excited!

However, as excited as I am to start this, I still have a little fear in the "what ifs".  This is the first big purchase we have made for our baby and since it is so personal and so time consuming it scares me to think how I would feel having all this meaningful stuff if something happens to our baby.  But, as Ashley said, I can't keep living life scared and we eventually have to get things around for the baby, so this is a start!

I am still feeling the little guy move quite a bit.  I love every second he moves and I am so blessed to feel him.  It definitely puts a smile on my face every time and I can even see him move in my stomach if I am sitting still.  I love it!  I also have been swimming lately.  I actually regret never swimming before I got pregnant because I truly enjoy it.  It is a great workout, but I never feel the normal aches and pains I felt when I was running a lot.  I am definitely going to work towards doing some type of triathlon after I have this little guy.

My "Bro-Son"

Sean's mom, my mother-in-law, had one goal going into her surgery last year, to be cancer free so she could see Sean graduate.  It breaks my heart that her wish never came true, so Ashley and I are determined to be there to support Sean and cheer him on for all the great accomplishments he has had in his 18 years of life.  However, this May is going to bring about a lot more than just Sean's graduation.  My baby is due 5 days before Sean's graduation.  I'm not quite sure how Ashley and I will work out celebrating both the birth of our baby and the graduation of our "bro-son".  I know that Sean has other family that will support him if Ashley and I can't be there, but I am determined to at least stand in the back with a 2 day old baby if it all possible.  Even though Sean will only have lived with us for a year at that point, my proud mothering tendencies will come out in me and I want to be there for a very momentous occasion in his life.

Sean started his senior year at Marian High School when he moved in with us and is doing quite well.  After his first semester at a private school he has over a 4.0 while succeeding in football and making new friends.  I am very proud of him and excited that he will continue his education at Bethel, my alma mater.  I can't wait to watch him graduate and also throw him a graduation party.  I'm just hoping that my baby decides to come a little early or a little late so I can be there to celebrate Sean's special day.  

Below are some of Sean's senior pictures.  We had a very gifted girl from our church take these and I love them!

 

A Year Later, a Different Result

I am like my mother in many ways and one thing I inherited from her is the ability to remember significant dates.  In saying this, I remember birthdays and anniversaries, but also dates that have had a significant impact in my life.  A year ago on January 8th, Ashley and I had our dreaded OB appointment where we found out that Elliott was no longer alive.  Ashley and I were discussing that appointment yesterday and just the deep feelings we felt during and after the appointment.  I remember being in complete shock and being able to talk with the doctor for over a half hour without shedding a tear, but then being overwhelmed by complete despair by the time we got to our car.  Ashley stayed strong and called my mom and told her the news because I couldn't bear to say it out loud.  My parents immediately jumped in the car and drove over an hour to just give me a hug.  I remember feeling so bad for letting them down because Elliott would have been their first grandchild.

So almost exactly a year later, Ashley and I went to my OB appointment at the same doctors office, with the same ultrasound tech and the same doctor, but with totally different results.  Our ultrasound looked great and the doctor thinks the risks we were concerned about earlier are very small now.  I may not need another ultrasound either, which is reassuring because things look good.  However, I thoroughly enjoy seeing my baby's little nose, feet, hands and spine.  It is like watching the best movie of my life.  And good news, it's still a boy!

At our appointment a fews days ago we had to wait over an hour after our scheduled time to actually see the doctor.  As with any time at a doctor's office, this is generally frustrating and causes my impatience to get the best of me.  But my patience with waiting is different after my experience a year ago.  This is because when we got the bad news about Elliott, the doctor spent over a half hour with us just being kind, answering my questions and caring.  So I sat there the other day realizing I may be waiting because he is spending time with someone else who is having the worst day of their life.  So I didn't mind that we didn't see the doctor until an hour after our scheduled appointment time, because my new outlook is that when you wait, it is because the doctor is actually doing his job and caring, not just rushing in and out of the room to get his job done. We ended up being the last patients in the office the other day, yet my doctor still sat down and talked with us without seeming rushed.  For this I am thankful.

So below are some pictures of our little guy.  He is currently about one pound.  I am so thankful and feel so blessed to have gotten through the first half of my pregnancy.   Today I just reflect and praise God for how he has blessed us with the chance to have another baby, when a year ago all hope had seemed lost.

This is his face looking forward.

This is a profile with his little hand by his head.

This is a cross-section of his heart and the heart rate strip below, beating 145 beats/min.

A New Year

A new year.  Going into 2010, Ashley and I had many dreams of expanding our family and we were filled with anxious anticipation of how great 2010 was going to be.  As described in my earlier posts, the year was filled with many unexpected losses, but I wouldn't say it was a bad year.  It was a year of growth, a year of learning to depend on God, and a year of learning what love really meant.  Ashley and I learned to love each other more, I learned to love a kid I barely new like a mother would, and I learned that I am surrounded by people and my Heavenly Father who love me more than I could ever fathom.  A lot of people walk away from each year saying they hope for a better year to come, but honestly I wouldn't change 2010.  I am thankful for the dark days I walked through because had I not I wouldn't be able to grasp the blessings God has given me.  As 2011 starts, I pray that the outcome of this pregnancy is different, but I also pray that I remember that through joy and pain God doesn't let go.  I don't want to characterize each year as good or bad, instead I hope to walk away from each year knowing I continually drew closer to God in every aspect of my life.

The new year also marked a milestone for my little baby boy.  I am now 20 weeks along.  Halfway there.  I am so incredibly thankful for this.  In a few days I have another ultrasound and I am looking forward to getting another glimpse of my sweet boy growing and kicking.  Below is a picture of my growing belly at 20 weeks.  I have taken a few pictures over the past 20 weeks and I always tend to think I look stupid in them.  But for all who have wanted to see my baby bump, here you go.

I also had to break down and buy my first pair of maternity jeans.  Though I can still wear some of my pants, these are so much more comfortable. 

Everlasting Joy

Sorrow is one of those things that are lent, not given.
A thing that is lent may be taken away;
a thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given;
sorrow is lent.
We are not our own, 
we are bought with a price...
[Our sorrow] is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be 
our Father's gift to us, 
and the Lord God will wipe away 
all the tears from off all faces.


-Amy Carmichael

This was taken from the book, I Will Carry You; A Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy, written by Angie Smith.  It was a book that carried me through the days after losing Elliott.  It is a wonderful story written by a Christian woman of her journey through losing a child of her own.  She interwove scripture throughout the entire book, while never once holding back her truest emotions that she experienced in the darkest days.  This book gave me a new perspective on life and helped me refocus my thoughts on God through my journey of loss.

I referred back to this book last night when I got home from my family's Christmas.  The emotions of losing Elliott were intense and I just needed a source of comfort.  I read many of the Bible verses throughout the book and then came across the above quote from Amy Carmichael.  "Then it (sorrow) will be taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father's gift to us".  Last night I just continued to reflect on this line.  Everlasting joy.  Everlasting joy.  It isn't attainable in this world, but there is a promise of it and for that my hope is kept alive.  As the grief of losing Elliott just crept up on me last night and the tears ran down my cheeks I couldn't help but smile at the thought of the last line in this excerpt, "the Lord God will wipe away all the tears from off all faces".  Thank you Lord.  Thank you.

Beginning the Search

Since I have been feeling our little guy move around quite a bit lately, I have become more comfortable with starting to plan for his arrival.  Ashley and I have been talking quite a bit about names for our little boy.  I never knew it could be so difficult!  We generally agree on most names one of us comes up with, but there are just so many.  Some days we have 5 top boy names and then the next we have 15.  There are still a few that have stayed at the top of the list, but making a commitment to that one name is so hard, especially because the next day we usually come up with another name we like.  We even try calling our baby a certain name and wait a little bit to see if he will start kicking, thinking maybe it will give us a clue.  I know that is silly, but we just can't make up our minds knowing that this name will stick with him for the rest of his life.  We are certain we will use one of two middle names that have meaning in our life, so a lot of our discussion is in conjunction with what first name sounds good with one of those two middle names.

Ashley and I also spent some time the other night looking at baby stuff.  There are so many types of things out there and I have no clue where to start.  What type of cloth diapers do people suggest?  What is the best type of car seat/stroller?  What are must buys and what items are unnecessary?  Any mothers out there who want to give me input, feel free to, its a little overwhelming.  Thanks!