Before the Morning

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson was playing on the radio today and it reminded me of the intense emotions of anger, sadness and unbelief that we were feeling a year ago.  (We chose to play this song at my mother-in-law's funeral alongside pictures depicting her life.)  Tomorrow marks the day that her sons had to say goodbye, but the journey to that point was a two week process of multiple surgeries and many sleepless nights, hoping and praying she would rebound out of what started as a surgery to make her cancer-free.

It is amazing to me how far God has taken us in this past year and Ashley and I just feel like the timing of Jude's birth was God redeeming the entire situation and re-confirming that He has always been by our side, especially in the past few years.  Jude was born, exactly a year after the last time we talked to my mother-in-law.  I still vividly remember praying with her and Ashley right before they wheeled her out of the pre-op room into surgery.  I also just happened to put in a pair of her earrings prior to going to work the night I went into labor.  These subtle things were just small ways that Ashley and I could feel the presence of God when Jude was born.  The reality that my in-laws are not here anymore hit Ashley and I in a very deep way the night Jude was born because after calling my family and sharing the great news, Ashley didn't have his parents to call.  The void was so present in the room that we both cried, but at the same time we could feel God wrapping His arms around us by providing us with a healthy baby boy that would bring immense joy to us a year after we felt such deep heartbreak.

It is hard to imagine life any different that what it has been this past year, but within a year we went from a family of two, to a family of four.  We have a newborn and a soon to be high school graduate.  I wish my mother-in-law was here to rejoice in both these special occasions; Jude's birth and Sean's graduation, because she would be so proud.  But God had bigger plans for all of us and to look back at the journey He has walked us through this past year I realize that I am a better mom because of the heartache I have experienced.  But don't get me wrong, I wish things had been different.  I wish that my mother-in-law could hold Jude and I wish she could see her son be a wonderful dad and I wish she could watch her youngest walk across the stage and receive his diploma with academic honors from high school.  But the lyrics to the song "Before the Morning" captures the promise of the joy that is coming with the Lord and for that I am thankful.

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson


Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning

Richly Blessed

Today was the day I had been looking forward to for months.  It was my official due date, but man am I thankful that Jude came early.  I can't imagine life now without him.  I am exhausted, emotional and totally in love.  I spend hours of my day just staring at Jude and my normal attitude of getting things done and having the house in order has gone out the window.  I just want to hold Jude all the time.  These 9 days have been amazing, but I know I wouldn't be functioning if it weren't for my husband and mom.  They have let me sleep, cleaned the house, done laundry, gone grocery shopping, and changed diapers.  Both my mom and Ashley have been more than my heros this past week.  Ashley has let me cry tears of joy and tears of exhaustion while never once complaining.  We have had some fun excursions to the park, walking around the neighborhood and even going to Jude's first Relay for Life walk yesterday.  Things really couldn't be much better.  Jude is the perfect little baby and I just feel so blessed.  Ashley and I have had a rough couple of years with so much loss in our family, but we just feel God's redeeming love reigning over us right now and it brings tears to my eyes when I think of how thankful I am for the journey God has taken us on.  We are so undeserving of this little blessing and I just pray that I never take it for granted how richly God has blessed our little family with bringing Jude into our lives.

Here are just a few pictures of little Jude

So in Love

As I sit here and type I am currently holding the most precious miracle in my arms.  Jude Elliott Swanson was born on May 13, 2011 at 2:12am, weighing 7lbs 15oz and measuring in at 21 1/2 inches.  He is absolutely perfect in my eyes.  I never thought it would be possible to love someone so much, so quickly.  He has a head full of dark hair and chubby cheeks, which he takes after me as a newborn.  But the best thing is his disposition, he is so content with life and I am sure he got that from his daddy. 

As a quick update on the labor (minus the gory details), I was at work and contracting a little bit stronger than I had over the past month, but I was still taking care of my patients and walking around laughing.  They felt a little different then what I had been experiencing before, but I was also on my feet and busy and it had been normal for me to contract like that at work the weeks prior.  But at about 11:30pm my charge nurse convinced me to go to triage and get checked.  I walked over there and at about midnight they checked me and I was at 3cm, but the nurse thought I seemed comfortable enough that the doctor may send me home.  However, the doctor decided to admit me, which was a very good thing.  Things progressed quickly and by 2:12am I delivered Jude with no epidural or any other type of pain medicine.  I didn't do that to be a hero, but it was simply that he wanted to come quickly and there was no time to even think about it.  The doctor barely made it to the delivery, which I think freaked Ashley out quite a bit, but all was well and we have a beautiful boy because of it. 

So I will post pictures at a later time.  But thanks to everyone for the prayers and love as I have shared my journey on this blog.  Jude is one lucky guy to have so many people love him so much.

Thank you Lord for your amazing grace and love as You have carried us through this pregnancy and may You continue to surround us with Your love as we try to raise Jude in a God-fearing manner.

Almost a "mom" x 3

Mother's Day-A day to honor, thank and love your mom.

It was this holiday last year that was so difficult because I should have been carrying a baby and been almost a "mom" to my first child.  Thankfully I had a wonderful husband and sisters that remembered to write me kind cards and validate my feelings of being a mom to a child that never actually lived on this earth.  My eyes were opened last year to how many other women privately ache to be recognized as a mother but aren't due to similar circumstances of either miscarriages or infertility.  The empty void you feel when flowers are passed out at church to all the mothers and you aren't handed one is a feeling that no one understands unless they have been down that road.

Now we come around to a year later and I have been almost a "mom" another time.  The second one is with Sean.  I'm not a mom to him, but for the past year I have had to try to be motherly.  To be quite honest, I fail at this most days.  Sometimes I think of myself as that annoying step-mom that the child hates.  I am sure this isn't true, but I also don't replace the wonderful mom Sean had a year ago.  It is this second chance at being a "mom" for me that makes me realize and appreciate all the mother's out there that have adopted children, who are foster parents, or step-mothers.  I don't think they always get the recognition and appreciation they deserve for sacrificing so much for someone not related by blood.  There is a certain element of self-sacrifice that must occur in order to love someone unconditionally that you didn't bring into this world yourself.

And now I wait to be a "mom" for the third time.  Ashley says I am already a mother because I have carried Jude for 9 months, but to be honest, I don't and probably won't feel like a mother until I actually hold him in my arms.  I was kind of hoping that Jude would come two weeks early (partly b/c I am so uncomfortable) so I could actually feel like a mom on Mother's Day and so to the "world" I could be selfishly recognized as a mom.  

So Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there.  The mom's that have lost children, the mom's who have adopted/fostered children, the mom's that are pregnant, and the mom's that may never be recognized on this special holiday.

I also want to recognize my own mom.  Above is a picture of us a few years ago.  She is wonderful and as I think about Ashley and Sean who can't celebrate their mom this year, I am overwhelmingly thankful that my mother is still here.  I won't get to see her on Mother's Day this year, but I love her all the same.  She nurtured me, directed me, loved me, and sacrificed her own life for mine, and for that I am forever indebted.  She is almost a grandma now and with that I know she will give her love to Jude just as much as she did to me.  I can't wait to see her thrive in her element of caring once he gets here.  If only I could just half-way be a mom like her, then maybe I will be doing something right.  I love you mom.

Update in Pictures

Ashley and I finally got around to getting a little in-ground stone for where we buried Elliott.  Up until this point we were just putting flowers there and as they died we continued to put fresh ones on top.  I found this stone online and just loved it.  It is flush with the ground and doesn't make a huge statement in our yard, but if you are looking for it you will see it and it just helps give some closure to everything.  Also, we planted a tree in memory of Elliott last year and it is blooming!  I was so afraid it would die, but it is looking pretty good so far and that makes me very happy.  Below are some pictures of both of these things:

The daffodils my mom brought from her house over Easter and put them here.

And here is another photo of me today at 37 weeks.  I realize I wore this shirt the last time I took a picture...oops!  But then again, I am running out of options that fit me now-a-days.

Preparing for the Big Day

Ashley and I went to an all-day childbirth class today.  Since I work in the postpartum department I wanted to go so Ashley could learn what to expect, but it was nice to be refreshed on stuff from what I learned in school and to also just learn different ways to cope with the pain.  I am not too scared about the whole process because I am just so ready for Jude to be here.  I know the pain will probably be more intense and longer than when I miscarried, but I did experience a lot of the sensations they talked about when I lost Elliott, which hopefully will be an advantage.

There was one point in the class when we were practicing breathing techniques that I started laughing so hard I was crying.  I think Ashley was embarrassed, but thankfully the lights were dim and we were all spread out among the room.  However, the nurse did say that some people laugh their babies out, so maybe I will be one of those people =)  Ashley is afraid he will pass out, so if that happens it would probably give me enough to laugh about and distract me from the real pain I am experiencing.

But with that being said, I am just so thankful that we are to this point in my pregnancy that I can even care about the whole process of giving birth to Jude.  I didn't think this was going to be possible a year ago and I just feel so blessed to be given the chance to bring a child of mine into this world.  We talked about so many techniques and options to use during labor today, but to be honest I don't really care how I have Jude because if I get the joy of holding, kissing, and loving on him I know that the joy I will be experiencing is something many woman don't get to have.  As I have continued this blog documenting my pregnancy I am very aware that some people who read this may still be struggling with infertility issues or recurrent miscarriages and I don't take that lightly.  My heart still breaks for anyone who is going through something like that because I know how I felt a year ago watching other women's bellies grow and have babies.  It is hard and it's not fair.  Just the other day Ashley was recounting a conversation he had with a friend about us losing Elliott and I immediately teared up just thinking about that experience a year ago.  It was at that moment that I realized the joy of having Jude still doesn't fully take away the pain of losing Elliott because he forever made an impact on my heart.

I am looking forward to the time in (+ or -) 5 weeks that I get to bring Jude into this world and I thank God for him every day.  I don't deserve this blessing and I don't take the responsibility of becoming a mother lightly.  Whether I have a non-medicated labor or a c-section as long as I can hold Jude in my arms, I will praise God for this miracle of life and for Him allowing me to be a mother to such a vulnerable child.  To be entrusted with this seems like a daunting task, but hopefully Ashley and I can some how love Jude like we know our Heavenly Father loves him.


On a lighter note, here is an updated picture of me at 35 weeks.  I am huge compared to my 32 week picture...ahhh!

Pictures of the Nursery

34 weeks!  I can't believe I have made it this far.  Jude is moving quite a bit and even making it difficult to breathe every so often.  I love watching my entire stomach move and become crooked when Jude is really having a good time.

Several posts ago I mentioned that my mom was making the bedding for our nursery.  Well it has been done for awhile, but we finally just got everything put together.  My mom is amazing, that's all I have to say.  Here are some pictures of our nursery.  We basically have everything put together especially due to the fact that I have been blessed by so many gifts from people who love us.  It has been overwhelming how generous people have been.

Changing table and dresser.  Note the frames above, my mom made these to match the blanket.

'

The crib with the blanket my mom made and the matching bed skirt.  I tried my craftiness at making the Jude sign.

Glider chair from Ashley's mom's house and then the matching curtain valence my mom made.

]

Bookshelf we bought and refinished for $5!  I can't wait to read to Jude...look at all those books!

Note Murphy in the crib.  I have removed him several times.  This could become an issue.

Here is a picture of me at 32 weeks.