Remembering God's Grace and Realizing My Blessings

I often think about "re-starting" my blog, but then life catches up with me and I realize I don't have much time to do it, so I don't. Here's to a new start and an attempt to write more than once every two years.

My life is full.  Today we celebrate my youngest son, Shepard's, 11 month birthday and we also remember the reason I started this blog; my first child.  It's been 4 years since my heart broke into a million pieces.  4 years since I became a mom.  4 years since I became a different me.  Last night Ashley and I put our kids, Jude who is 2 1/2 and Shepard, to sleep and had a wonderful date night at home.  We intended to go out but with Snowmaggedon 2014 going on in Northern Indiana everything is closed and so we were forced to stay at home.  But, it was wonderful.  Exactly what we needed amidst the busy life of planting a church and having two young boys.  We had a nice candlelight dinner and then trekked outside in snow up to our knees to find Elliott's little grave.  It took quite the effort given there was several feet of snow protecting it, but with much effort we beat the subzero temps and snow drifts to reflect on the first life God blessed our family with.  Before going inside I figured the only logical thing to do at that moment since I was covered in snow and inappropriately dressed for the temps was to fall backwards and make a snow angel.  It was joyous.  Cold, yes, but freeing.  I even convinced my husband to join me.  We were covered from head to toe in snow, but why not remember Elliott through laughter too?

A lot has changed in four years.  We are a family with two busy little boys, we have started a church plant in River Park, and I now work very part-time as a nurse so I can manage all of that.  Many days it's a lot to handle.  Changing diapers, potty-training, breaking up fights, stepping on legos (Ouch!), hauling kids to the grocery store, managing a budget on a pastor's salary, supporting my husband's dream, and often feeling like I'm trapped in the same cycle everyday.  But today is such a great yearly reminder of what my deepest desire was four years ago and why the sometimes mundane and often crazy and patience-trying times of motherhood is also so rewarding and worth it.  There are days I want to pull my hair out, any mom would agree, but I'm thankful for these two little lives that God has blessed me with.  Jude and Shepard fill my heart with more than I deserve and forever I am grateful.  Though I only carried Elliott for a short time in the whole scheme of our lives, he will forever hold a special place in my heart and hopefully be a reminder of God's sufficient grace.

Here is a picture of my sons sitting by Elliott's little stone.  This of course was several months ago prior to Snowmaggedon 2014.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

2 Years Later.

It has been 2 years since Ashley and I lost our first baby.  In just 2 years it is amazing how vastly different our lives are.  Our lives were pretty dark and seemed quite hopeless in January of 2010 and now our life radiates with the life and joy of a little 8 month old boy.  With that being said though, even though joy and hope are more evident in our life now, the memory of the pain we endured in losing Elliott is still there. 

Our church is offering a midweek class taught by Dr. Chad Meister on the topic of "God and the Problem of Pain and Suffering".  I went to the first class last week and appreciated the perspective Dr. Meister shared with the class.  In particular the passage in Romans 5 which talks about rejoicing in our suffering because it will produce perseverance and then perseverance, character and character, hope.  Dr. Meister talked about how with suffering our character is formed into people who are becoming more like Jesus Christ.  As I reflect over the last two years, I see the work of God forming me.  I care more, I pray more, and I understand Romans 12:15 which says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn."  My life used to be centered around me (and it probably is still more than it should), but now my eyes have been opened to how to care for others in some of their darkest times, and for that I am thankful.

I placed some flowers on Elliott's little grave this morning and I assumed I would be filled with sorrow, but although saddened by the life of a little baby I never knew, I had a sense of peace and hope for a new tomorrow and the promises God gives us.  I am thankful for the journey God has taken me on in the past two years.  Although I know that life with still have its ups and downs, the promise that God is with me through the dark valleys is something I am incredibly thankful for.

Don't Take Things for Granted

Over the past year I have had several friends who have lost people close to them and many times I have been at a loss for words on how to comfort them.  I have had a friend lose her brother, another one lose her full-term baby, another friend lose a son they were so close to adopting, and then another lose her husband.  These are all girls my age who have experienced such devastating heartache and pain.  And I can't help but wonder why these wonderful, sweet, loving individuals have to endure losing someone so dear to their hearts.  I can't answer why and I can't understand it, but I can learn to not take for granted my sisters, my baby, my husband.  I would never wish the heartache of losing a loved one on anyone, but I do encourage everyone, including myself, to learn from this.  Hug your child a little tighter, say you love your spouse before going to bed, cherish the moments you have with your siblings.  These devastating circumstances have made me realize I am incredibly blessed and I should not take one minute for granted that I have to spend with my child, my husband, my family, or my friends.  And as I remember how blessed I am, may I continue to pray for the people who have lost someone dear to their hearts.

Speechless

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine found her husband unresponsive earlier that morning and did CPR without success.  They have a 3 week old daughter.  I am at a loss for words and it is so hard to not question why this has happened.  I have honestly been rendered speechless.  I don't know how to comfort her or encourage her to seek God in this horrible time.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.- Romans 8:26

Lord, please wrap your loving arms around my friend and her daughter at this time.  Make your presence known.

Missing You.

Why is it that the holidays make you miss people who are no longer here?  There are several people that I miss right now (in no particular order).

1) My mother-in-law, Chris.  She was always full of loving wisdom and there have been times in this past month that I wish I could gain knowledge from her.

2) My grandma.  She was a woman that lovingly disciplined me and helped make me into who I am today. I often miss her and wish I could share nursing stories with her, ask her advice on parenting, introduce her to my husband, and just see her hold my son.

3) My grandpa.  I want him to try the cookies and fudge that I make from his recipes and get his sweet smile of approval.  He was a man of very few words, but his kindness always shined through his eyes.

4) My father-in-law, Gary.  I wish he could be here to see what his son is doing with River Park Grace.  He would be proud.

5) My uncle Jeff.  I would love to have him meet Jude and have him take Jude on boat rides at the lake and make his famous Tony's breadsticks.

6) Elliott.  I often wonder what he would look like, what his personality would be like, and how much fun Jude would have with an older sibling.

Although I greatly miss these people, I am thankful for the time that I did have with each one of them.  Sometimes I like to just sit and reflect on the memories I have of them.  Sometimes those memories bring tears and sometimes they bring a smile.  As I rocked Jude to sleep today I told him stories of his family members he will never meet and I hope to continue to do this until he feels like he knew them too.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

I have come to my blog repeatedly over the past week to write something and I just can't seem to find the words.  There is a lot on my heart in regards to some sensitive issues in my life and I just can't find the appropriate words to express them.  But I'm thankful that I don't need words for my God to understand my heart.  He knows my thoughts and prayers.  He knows my desires.  And for that I am thankful.

On a different note, Christmas is upon us.  What a wonderful time of year.  The lights on trees, sweet treats made for friends, presents bought for family.  I love it all, but what I love even more is that we get to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  How amazing that He came to this earth purely to die for our sins, in order to give us life!  Ashley and I have been talking about traditions we want to start now that we have our own family and many of them center around the modern day celebration of Christmas, such as making cookies, cutting down a Christmas tree, etc.  But we have also noted that we want to be intentional about teaching Jude the real reason we even have the chance to celebrate Christmas.  We want to read about the birth of Jesus prior to opening gifts on Christmas morning and we want to be intentional about giving back to someone in need during the holidays.  My prayer is that as we make these traditions part of our family that we will also be able to instill a love for Christ in Jude as he grows older.

Below is Jude with his first Christmas tree and stocking made by his grandma.  This is the first year in my entire life that I haven't had a real tree, but with Jude on the move we decided we better be safe and put up a small fake tree instead.  So I guess that means one more evergreen tree gets to live a year longer...

With Blessings Come Tears of Joy

My little boy turns 6 months old tomorrow.  Just thinking about it makes me cry.  I don't want him to grow up.  Although I know there are great things ahead for him, I just want to freeze this time forever.  Another big milestone is happening tomorrow too.  We are having our first service in our new church tomorrow evening.  As our team was mopping the floors, scrubbing the toilets, and doing sound checks, I was almost brought to tears out of joy for what is ahead for River Park Grace.  We have been incredibly blessed by acquiring a building that is paid off and we have a team that is absolutely amazing.  So with that being said, I have a feeling that tomorrow may be a somewhat emotional day for me.  But it's only going to be emotional because of the incredible blessings in my life; both Jude and River Park Grace.

What I'm Thankful For

It's kind of sad that the spirit of thankfulness is usually only at the forefront of my mind when November approaches and Thanksgiving is around the corner.  I have a lot to be thankful for all year, but I often forget to recognize my many blessings. With that being said, I'm going to write a list of many reasons I'm thankful this year.

I'm thankful that through painful experiences in my life, I have been able to see the joy in them through time and with God's mercy.

I'm thankful for the ability to wake up every day and kiss my son good morning.

I'm thankful for a husband that loves me unconditionally.

I'm thankful to have a husband that I can love unconditionally.

I'm thankful for friends who laugh with me and cry with me.

I'm thankful for the journey God is taking our family and the River Park Grace team on.

I'm thankful for the ability to love God freely.


Wow, I could keep going and I'm also so undeserving.  My prayer is that as Thanksgiving comes and goes, I continue to remember the many reasons I am thankful and to not get caught up in being disappointed by what I think I deserve.

A "Normal" Schedule

Just a quick update on my life:  I am moving to day shift at the hospital!  It was a tough decision, but I am so ready to sleep normally.  When I applied for the job and got it I cried because I am going to miss all my wonderful co-workers on night shift, but as I was driving to work that evening (after not getting much sleep), I felt a huge weight off my shoulders knowing I wouldn't have to work nights much longer.  My patience with Jude is tested every time I work several nights in a row because I am so tired and I'm looking forward to functioning on a normal schedule now.  There are a few drawbacks to day shift.  The main one being that I will be working every 3rd Sunday for 12 hours.  With the beginning of our church plant and knowing how important it is for Ashley and I, this will be hard, but we will manage.  Also, I will be away from Jude for 12 hours while he is awake.  To be honest, I dread this, but I'm hoping my days off will be much more fulfilling for both of us since I won't be so tired.  So I should begin day shift in the next month or so and I'm looking forward to it!

Rolling and Running...

Jude is approaching 5 months here in the next week.  I can't believe it!  He is changing and growing every day and I love playing with him because he is so interactive.  He started rolling over a week after he turned 4 months old and he loves it.  We had to quit swaddling him at night because we were finding him on his stomach with his arms tied down to his sides.  We figured this wasn't the safest thing!  He was an excellent sleeper at night, now I would say he is just a good sleeper.  We took a few setbacks when we stopped swaddling him, but he is doing better now.  The only issue is that I feel like when I'm working his schedule gets all screwed up and then it takes a few days to get it back to normal and then I go back to work.  Oh well, such is life I guess.  Jude also sat up for about 30 seconds by himself the other day.  More times than not he is still a little top heavy and he tips over, but he is getting so close to doing it by himself all the time.

Jude and I have also been loving this summer-like weather too.  Now that he is big enough we have been using the jogging stroller and running at the Riverwalk.  I LOVE it and Jude doesn't seem to mind too much either.  It is a little more work to push a stroller when running, but I like to have a distraction and someone to run with and its a better workout to push something!

Below is a favorite picture of mine from a recent fun in the backyard moment:

4 Months Old

Happy 4 Months to my sweet little Jude.  When I woke up this morning around 6:30, I couldn't help but reminisce about the intense emotions I felt 4 months ago at that time.  Jude had been born about 4 hours before that and I was experiencing a love I had never experienced before.  It was an unconditional, pure love.  Every other type of love that I had experienced up until that point was formed and thought about, whereas my love for Jude was instant, strong, and hard to explain unless you have experienced it yourself.  It makes me reflect on our Father's love for us because He too loves us unconditionally and I think at that moment when I first held Jude I finally fully grasped how blessed I am to have my Savior's love without having to earn it.  No matter what Jude does or doesn't do, I will still love him and I am thankful that is the promise that our God has for us too.

Jude is getting so big and is really coming into his own.  He smiles and giggles all the time, especially when Ashley is playing with him.  He does this funny inhaling laugh thing and it is really cute.  He also sleeps like a champ, which I am so thankful for.  He usually sleeps 8 to 9 hours every night and then takes at least 2 naps during the day that are at least 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  I think he is going through a growth spurt now because last week he ate all the time and now today he has been sleeping for over 2 1/2 hours for his morning nap after sleeping 9 hours last night.  Jude also has a few nicknames, either Baby Jude or Mr. Jude.  They are cute little nicknames and I love hearing them both when people call him by those names.

Ashley and I are getting into more of a routine with life and work and having a baby.  It really is great.  Ashley summed everything up perfectly yesterday.  He said once you have something you care about so much in the world, like Jude, all the trivial small things don't matter any more.  How true!

Here is a recent picture of him.  Despite the fact that ND is 0-2, Jude is still their littlest big fan

The loss of another baby

It is with a heavy heart that I post again this morning about another friend of mine who has lost her baby.  He was full-term and no complications were noticed during pregnancy or childbirth.  However, it appears that afterwards he sustained severe brain damage from lack of oxygen during the delivery.  After a week of being in the NICU, his parents have decided to let him go home to be with the Lord.  I can't grasp the pain they are experiencing right now.  Why wouldn't God heal this little boy?  Many people are asking this right now, and so am I.  But after some prayer this morning it was laid on my heart that maybe his short amount of time on this earth will be used for a greater purpose than any of us can imagine.  His parents plan to donate his organs, and in return bless many families who may have thought their child would die too.  Maybe hearing his story will bring others to rely on the Lord and in some time we will all look back and see God's hand in this terrible situation.

I really am at a loss for words as I witness the pain and sorrow both of my friends are experiencing right now.  Our God is present even though we can't see the bigger picture right now.  As I held Jude this morning I couldn't help but be moved to tears out of thankfulness for his blessing in my life.  I also question why I have been blessed with him when I am so undeserving.  My friends both have such amazing hearts and loving spirits that I can't help but think they would be better mom's than I.  I pray that someday the desires of my friend's hearts are granted, just as mine was with becoming a mother to Jude.

Heartache

Today I was reminded of the heartache I experienced when losing Elliott a year and a half ago.  A dear friend of mine was to become a mother today through adoption, but instead the birth mom chose to keep the baby.  I can't fathom the roller coaster of emotions she felt finding out they would have a child and then realizing that they wouldn't.  I cried for them today and wished that I could take their pain away.  No one should be robbed of their chance to be a mother, whether it is through infertility, miscarriage, or a failed adoption.

I can't help but question why God didn't answer my friend's prayer to become a mom.  Her and her husband have the sweetest, most gentle spirits I know and they deserve to be parents more than most of us.  I know there were so many of us who prayed so earnestly to God for Him to grant the desire of their hearts, so why did this happen?  Ashley reminded me that this is a fallen world and when we live in this fallen world there will always be heartache and pain.  However, knowing this doesn't make it any easier.  I want to take her hurt away.  I want to carry the burden for her, or at least with her through the dark days ahead.

It was in the darkest of days after losing Elliott that it didn't seem that there would ever be light at the end of the tunnel, but eventually Ashley and I came through the many heartaches we experienced.  And we realized that God was the same through both the painful and joyful times.  My prayer is that I can be a small sliver of comfort for my friend who lost her chance to be a mother and hopefully share in times of joy very soon when the desire of her heart is given to her as a little blessing.

I know that many of you don't know my friend, but please pray for comfort for her and her husband right now.  Though this child was never theirs, they loved the little baby like their own and so the loss is the same as if it was their own child.

A Different Kind of Church

Church.  There is a lot packed into that one word.  Depending on your background and your experiences, the word church can either have positive or negative connotations.  Some people go to church for social status reasons, some people avoid church because of perceived hypocrisy.  Some people go to church and while at church they gossip and slander inside the very building where others are worshipping God.  Church is a messy, complicated, wonderful thing.  Unfortunately, I don't think the modern day church is what God intended for church to be and that is why Ashley and I are striving to begin a church that has a different focus and different value system then most.

River Park Grace.  That is our church's name.  We are a church plant branched off of our home church, Harris Prairie Church of Christ.  No, Harris Prairie isn't going through a split, and yes, the elders and our senior pastor Larry have given us their blessing to begin this church.  As you can tell in the name, our church plant will be located in River Park in South Bend.  But that isn't the important part of the name.  The important part is the third word, Grace.  That is our mission, to share grace with all those we encounter.  But to unpack that a bit more, we aren't going to be about the Sunday morning worship experience.  We aren't going to except people to show up on Sunday, get their weekly dose of God and leave.  We are going to be community focused, striving to better the River Park neighborhood by offering Celebrate Recovery meetings, a coffee shop where people can see familiar, loving faces, a safe haven for women and children, etc.  But most importantly we want to offer God's grace to everyone who walks through our doors or who encounters us on the street.

Our desire is to focus on Communion Families, which are a different type of small group that will meet weekly and break bread and drink juice together to remember what Jesus did with his disciples in the New Testament.  We will still have a weekly worship gathering, but our goal is to form meaningful, loving "families" outside of church that can meet the needs of those in their neighborhood and in their "family".  We are striving to be service focused and in turn share God's love with those who need it most.

This is an exciting, yet scary endeavor for me.  It is awesome to see how Ashley is following his dreams and how passionate he is about carrying out his plan.  It is also amazing how God's hand has been at work already in this process.  He has brought together 17+ adults who have an amazing heart for Him and His work to be a part of the launch team and every time we approach an issue with finances, or legal matters, we can see His hand guiding us in the right direction.  The scary part for me is my insecurities of our future.  With a family now, it is scary to know that our income is going to be based on us being servants to a rather poor neighborhood.  However, I fully trust God will provide as we do the work we feel called to do.  It is like doing a mission's trip in our own backyard, and for that I am excited!

So, that is River Park Grace in a nutshell.  Ashley probably does a lot better job explaining it, so you should check out his blog for a better synopsis.  I don't know how to add a link on here, so you can copy and paste his website if you want to read his blog...sorry!

http://ashleyswanson.wordpress.com/

Oh, and we have our first big event this Sunday.  We are doing a block party for the neighborhood with a water balloon fight, music, food, etc.  It should be fun and our goal is to show people that River Park Grace is a group of people who love the residents of River Park because God loves them too!

Work and College

Well I survived work.  Jude on the other hand doesn't care for me being gone...which makes me feel good and bad at the same time.  I worked two 12-hour shifts in a row this past week and that was tough.  Jude screamed a decent amount for Ashley because he likes to comfort nurse in the evenings and I wasn't there for him do that.  It broke my heart knowing he was missing me so much, but it was nice to know he wanted me.  I then woke up about every 3 hours and fed him during the day when I was home and then I went back to work for another 12 hours.  To be honest, this is a lot.  I miss my little guy, but I am extremely tired too.  I had read a book that said going back to work is like the first few weeks after you have your baby and I totally believe it!  Except, now I'm not getting the meals made for me or my house cleaned by my family.

Today I skipped church, which I hate doing, but with working so much and then spending all day yesterday moving Sean into college, going to a wedding and spending time with family, I just haven't had time for Jude.  He hasn't nursed well in the last 3 days and has been extra cranky.  So today I am just hanging out with him, cuddling, rocking him to sleep, and playing with him.  So far it has been wonderful.  Now that he is napping I thought I would clean and update my blog quickly :)

Yesterday we took Sean to college...he didn't go far, just across the street to Bethel, but nonetheless, he is a college student now.  I know he is going to thrive in this atmosphere and he can finally be on a somewhat equal playing field because no one has their parents to rely on in college.  It seems like he has great roommates and hopefully he enjoys all his classes.  It was funny to hear all the parents talk about how hard of day it was to say goodbye to their kids and how difficult of an adjustment it would be, whereas Ashley and I were thinking about how great of an experience this is going to be for Sean and how happy for him we are that he gets to be surrounded by a loving atmosphere of professors and students on a campus that will hopefully form him into a wonderful man.  I am thankful for the year we spent with Sean and hopefully we helped teach him some values that he can carry on into his future development into adulthood, but I am also thankful that it was just a year.  This isn't to say anything against Sean, it is just to say that I often felt inadequate as a mother figure for Sean and now he is growing up where he doesn't need to rely on Ashley and I as much.  In 18 years I may change my thought on this when Jude goes to college and I may WANT him to continue to rely on his mom.

Well, off to clean and do some laundry while Jude is napping.  I plan to update about our church plant endeavor next time!

Maternity Leave has Ended

I was supposed to go back to work tonight and I was doing ok all day until about a 1/2 hour before Ashley got home from work and I just started crying.  Sometimes it seems so silly to me to care so much because I am only going to be working two 12-hour shifts a week (yes, I did end up cutting back a little after my last post), but I didn't realize how in love and connected I could be to such a little guy.  I always just kind of blew it off when I heard about other people dreading going back to work after having a baby, but now I totally understand.  However, the good thing is, I got released tonight so I don't go back for another 2 days!  Now on Friday I will know there is no chance of me being released and the dreaded day will not be skirted again.

These past 3 months have been the most rewarding, amazing months of my life.  I wouldn't trade them for a thing.  I asked Ashley what I did in the past 3 months because they seemed to have flown by and he put it perfectly.  He said, "You spent every moment possible with Jude".  And for that I am thankful.

Jude has been doing some great things lately.  He has started rolling over from front to back, he sleeps usually 8 to 9 hours every night, he giggles at his dad's silly faces, and he loves when I read him books.  It is fun to watch how he takes in new things every day and how he just loves life.

Here is a recent picture of him.  Doesn't his smile just put one on your face?  I feel so blessed.

Back to work?

Jude is 2 months old.  It is crazy how fast time flies.  In the past 2 months I have learned a lot about Jude and myself.  I have learned how to read Jude's different cries and respond to them appropriately (most of the time), I have learned how to multi-task better than I ever thought possible, and I've learned that my love for him is stronger than I could have imagined prior to giving birth.  As I approach the time that I have to go back to work, I can't help but think about how hard it is going to be to leave Jude.  I really don't want to and I tear up every time I think about it.  I often wish that I was good at doing crafty things so I could work from home, but I am not, so that option is out.  I enjoy my job, but I don't love it.  I have to weigh the options of living comfortably while working, or sacrificing money so I can stay home with Jude more and this decision it is just so hard!

The other difficult thing in this decision is that Ashley and I are embarking on a new journey with planting a church in River Park.  (see his blog for more details at http://ashleyswanson.wordpress.com/).  I am very excited about this, but this definitely adds some fear of the unknown.  Us embarking on this journey means we are giving everything up to God, including our income.

So essentially I don't know exactly what I plan to do in regards to work.  I know I will always continue to work, but how much is the question.  I have to make my decision soon because I go back to work in less than a month!  I am thankful I even have the option to work less, mainly because I just love Jude so much and I don't want to miss time away from him or any of my future children.  So if anyone knows someone that wants to just give me money so I can stay home, that would fix all my problems! =)

We Did It...

As I sit here and slowly type one-handed because I am feeding Jude, I can finally say "we did it".  Sean's graduation party was a success and everyone is currently cleaning up the mess.  Ashley and I have completed what we set out to do slightly over a year ago; we got Sean through high school and threw him a graduation party.  Now I can officially relax because the party is no longer looming over my head and I can solely focus on caring for Jude and attempt to get him on some sort of schedule.  I'm not going to lie, this was a lot for me to do.  I'm tired and I don't wish it on anyone to care for a newborn and throw a graduation party at the same time.  But I definitely couldn't have done it without all my family's help.  The Meyer and Swanson clans were stellar.  So congrats to Sean and thank you to everyone else.  We are done and now I have 8 weeks to enjoy my maternity leave...ahhh!!!!

Before the Morning

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson was playing on the radio today and it reminded me of the intense emotions of anger, sadness and unbelief that we were feeling a year ago.  (We chose to play this song at my mother-in-law's funeral alongside pictures depicting her life.)  Tomorrow marks the day that her sons had to say goodbye, but the journey to that point was a two week process of multiple surgeries and many sleepless nights, hoping and praying she would rebound out of what started as a surgery to make her cancer-free.

It is amazing to me how far God has taken us in this past year and Ashley and I just feel like the timing of Jude's birth was God redeeming the entire situation and re-confirming that He has always been by our side, especially in the past few years.  Jude was born, exactly a year after the last time we talked to my mother-in-law.  I still vividly remember praying with her and Ashley right before they wheeled her out of the pre-op room into surgery.  I also just happened to put in a pair of her earrings prior to going to work the night I went into labor.  These subtle things were just small ways that Ashley and I could feel the presence of God when Jude was born.  The reality that my in-laws are not here anymore hit Ashley and I in a very deep way the night Jude was born because after calling my family and sharing the great news, Ashley didn't have his parents to call.  The void was so present in the room that we both cried, but at the same time we could feel God wrapping His arms around us by providing us with a healthy baby boy that would bring immense joy to us a year after we felt such deep heartbreak.

It is hard to imagine life any different that what it has been this past year, but within a year we went from a family of two, to a family of four.  We have a newborn and a soon to be high school graduate.  I wish my mother-in-law was here to rejoice in both these special occasions; Jude's birth and Sean's graduation, because she would be so proud.  But God had bigger plans for all of us and to look back at the journey He has walked us through this past year I realize that I am a better mom because of the heartache I have experienced.  But don't get me wrong, I wish things had been different.  I wish that my mother-in-law could hold Jude and I wish she could see her son be a wonderful dad and I wish she could watch her youngest walk across the stage and receive his diploma with academic honors from high school.  But the lyrics to the song "Before the Morning" captures the promise of the joy that is coming with the Lord and for that I am thankful.

"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson


Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning

Richly Blessed

Today was the day I had been looking forward to for months.  It was my official due date, but man am I thankful that Jude came early.  I can't imagine life now without him.  I am exhausted, emotional and totally in love.  I spend hours of my day just staring at Jude and my normal attitude of getting things done and having the house in order has gone out the window.  I just want to hold Jude all the time.  These 9 days have been amazing, but I know I wouldn't be functioning if it weren't for my husband and mom.  They have let me sleep, cleaned the house, done laundry, gone grocery shopping, and changed diapers.  Both my mom and Ashley have been more than my heros this past week.  Ashley has let me cry tears of joy and tears of exhaustion while never once complaining.  We have had some fun excursions to the park, walking around the neighborhood and even going to Jude's first Relay for Life walk yesterday.  Things really couldn't be much better.  Jude is the perfect little baby and I just feel so blessed.  Ashley and I have had a rough couple of years with so much loss in our family, but we just feel God's redeeming love reigning over us right now and it brings tears to my eyes when I think of how thankful I am for the journey God has taken us on.  We are so undeserving of this little blessing and I just pray that I never take it for granted how richly God has blessed our little family with bringing Jude into our lives.

Here are just a few pictures of little Jude